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We can never assume other people are having the same experience that we are.  And we can never assume other people operate inside the same value systems as we do.  Doing so only leads to disconnection, tension and conflict in our relationships.  For example, certain cherished habits that we believe positively represent our character, like discipline, focus and ambition, may be negatively perceived by others as stubborn, obsessive and brown nosing. …

Campbell famously wrote that the more we mythologize and idealize the person we love, the more disillusioned and disheartened we grow as we come to know their imperfect humanity.  Interestingly enough, the same principle applies to our work.  Careers, not unlike intimate relationships, are this constant battle between romantic fantasy and disenchanting reality.  Take the newly hired employee. Once onboarding is finished and she’s settled into her new position…

When we feel the rumblings of dissatisfaction, stuck in the twilight zone of unfulfillment, trapped in the repetitive habit of escalating discontent, it’s important to remember something.  Boredom is the symptom, not the problem.  It only appears when broader meaning is absent.  Maisel’s research on natural psychology explains it as follows.  Boredom arises as a special, terrible problem for smart people. Because a smart person has a lively brain, that brain…

My favorite definition of surrender is letting go of trying to control what we never had control over in the first place.  It’s the most glorious relief known to man. Because once we courageously risk letting go of our own will, our mind no longer has to perform the acrobatics of rationalization and justification and expectation.  And we can just be. The pain ends and hope takes its place….

Seinfeld, the zen master of comedy, made a fascinating observation during a recent interview.  He said that he liked to explore things, but didn’t expect to enjoy them.  That’s no punchline. Imagine how fast the collective stress level of the world would drop if more of us learned to think that way. If we could finally release things from the obligation to make us feel better, we might have…

At the tail end of my career as an entrepreneur, business was slow. Very slow.  Any gig that came my way was a welcome reprieve from the anguish of sitting alone in my pajamas all day, trying to drum up new clients. The whole thing felt futile and pathetic.  A low point that stands out happened while driving down the highway on a beautiful, crisp, clear day in big sky…

People spend far too much time making assumptions about what’s inside of us.  And in fact, many of them presume to know us better than ourselves. That’s why they try to enlighten us about who we are, what we should want and why we should want it.  It’s infuriating. Personally, it makes me feel defensive and controlled.  And that’s okay. My feelings are valid and normal for any person…

In the modern business landscape, most employees are rewarded for how much intellectual capital they bring to the table. Not how skilled they are at feeling their feelings.  And that’s okay. We can’t expect three centuries of postindustrial society to suddenly prioritize emotional intelligence over getting shit done.  With the exception of a handful of remarkable, progressive organizations, most of the corporations in the world will favor the head over…

Invalidation infuriates me.  It makes me feel small and worthless.  Anytime someone rejects my basic experience, saying or implying that my emotions are wrong, inappropriate or not okay, the eight year old version of myself shrinks to the size of a peanut.  Here are a few of my greatest hits from the invalidation catalogue.  When people dismiss, discount, diminish or deny my history.  When people criticize and shame me…

For many years, my ritual before delivering presentations was to spend ten minutes in the bathroom stall doing breathing exercises, listening to epic orchestral music, shadowboxing my imaginary opponent and running creative visualizations inside my head about my ideal outcome.  It was invigorating as hell. The centering sequence pumped me up for my show and helped created the necessary energy and momentum to operate at peak level.  Over time,…