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What do you mean you don’t want to spend every waking minute with me?  That was the fear narrative running through my head for many years. That my girlfriend would feel abandoned and rejected and question my love for her if I took an occasional weekend for myself.  And so, the nice guy inside of me, that friendly midwestern passive aggressive confrontation phobic codependent love addict, would leap in…

Holman’s handbook of addictive disorders defines shame in the following way.  He refers to it as feelings of defectiveness because of having a need.  Because that’s the story we sell inside our heads. Even though we want to bring ourselves into full alignment with what we long for, some part of our brain superimposes guilt on top of that need.  After all, having a need might mean tension and…

Ford was an industrialist, but he was also an enthusiast.  The combination of which enabled him to profoundly impact the landscape of the twentieth century. Consider his words from over one hundred years ago, which still ring true today.  Enthusiasm is the yeast that makes your hopes rise to the stars. Enthusiasm is the sparkle in your eyes, the swing in your gait, the grip of your hand, the…

Proactive coping is preparing in advance to be upset, angry and disappointed.  Setting yourself up to emotionally thrive in a potentially triggering or stressful situation, knowing that you won’t be in the right mind at the time.  For example, before leaving town to visit your extended family for the weekend, you can activate your healthy support system ahead of time. Perhaps alerting friends or your spouse that you would…

A recovering consultant friend of mine jokes that he used to be paid handsomely to help companies build up the facade of a business that deep down they knew was cracking at the foundation.  It’s a sad but widespread paradox of life. One that only happens to corporations, but also to individuals.  Many of us have been there before. Putting energy into being other than ourselves, it’s completely exhausting. Even if…

Every guitar player learns the same first lesson. It’s better to practice five minutes every day than five hours on the weekend.  That regular interval of concentrated effort keeps us connected to the music. Not to mention, helps heal those painful callouses faster.  This principle applies to almost every area of life. Because if we only do something every few months, it’s impossible to get on top of the…

Our level of happiness depends on how we act upon or repress our instinctual needs.  If we grew up in a hyper religious and puritanical tradition that was profoundly suspicious of pleasure, it’s quite possible that we will not respect the basic needs of our body and spirit. We will not honor our fundamental human longing for joy.  Because that would be a sin. Only heathens indulge in the…

When we actively lobby for our interests with people who can help our career, we have to be open to support that arrives in a form we’re not crazy about.  We have to allow people to help us in their own way and accept their help as it is offered. Otherwise we block the flow of good into our lives.  If our second cousin introduces to a former coworker who…

Our deepest fear is rooted within the universal human need for contribution.  It’s our existential longing. We can’t fathom leaving this world without making our mark, doing something significant, creating some kind of value and mattering in some way.  We want to be worth the air we’re taking up. Otherwise, what’s the point of even being here? How, then, are we supposed to operate at our highest point of…

There are some people can’t follow directions, and there are some people who can’t function without them.  My personality belongs in the first camp. My rebellious and independent nature doesn’t need to be told what to do and works best traveling without a map.  I would rather life be experienced than explained, and don’t feel the need to predict behavior to gain a sense of security. I love the…