You should just know why I’m upset

Harvard’s business journal published a fascinating article written by a professor of psychology.

Markman writes that when something has gone wrong at work, people blame lack of communication. The assumption is that greater access to information is the solution.

But before you leap into action, and in the process create a lot more work for yourself, let me suggest that you think of the complaints about communication problems as the canary in the coal mine.

It’s a signal that something is wrong, but it itself is probably not the problem.

Allow me to share an example from my own work experience.

My boss sat me down for our monthly one on one. In the column labeled opportunities for improvement, she cited one of my articles. Apparently, it didn’t turn out the way she wanted it to. And so, she listed a half dozen specific ideas for how the piece should have been written.

All I could think to myself was, wow, thanks for this highly useful information that could have been brought to my attention three weeks ago!

That’s not a communication problem, that’s an expectation problem.

Here’s why.

The first mistake was, my boss was unclear about her needs. She failed to use specific requests to tell me exactly what she wanted in this particular piece of writing.

The second mistake was, my boss expected me to read her mind. She assumed I possessed telepathic powers to predict the future.

The third mistake was, she overemphasized skills like empowerment and ownership and curiosity, expecting that I should just know how to do certain things without being asked.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, but we could have prevented a lot of frustration in our relationship if we measured twice and cut once.

Why do people insist on making things more difficult than they need to be? Why must we add more layers to tasks that don’t need additional work?

It’s like those idiots who leave you a voicemail saying, hey, give me a call, got a quick question for you.

No, you numbskull, just tell me what you want in the message. Don’t hold me hostage with your cryptic bullshit, hoping my natural sense of curiosity will motivate me to follow up. Just tell me what you want, and then leave me alone so I can get it for you. But can we please not take another lap around dumbfuck avenue here?

It’s not communication, it’s expectation. If you don’t know what you want, don’t expect others to anticipate your needs, predict the future and read your mind.

As the bumper sticker so eloquently says, if you expect me to read your mind, then you’re going to have to think more clearly.

There’s actually a study on this very scenario. Northwestern’s researchers explored expectancy violation theory, where people believe others should understand each other’s needs and feelings without their having to express them.

Turns out, those people holding what they called mind reading expectations often have less satisfying relationships. Individuals reported that they became combative toward their partners or engaged in the silent treatment when their partners had failed to recognize that they had upset them.

Remember, not communication, expectation.

Ask for what you want and teach people how to give it to you.

Otherwise it’s going to be an exhausting journey. 

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Who in your life believes you can read their mind?