With every ping pong ball that splashes into a red plastic cup

Traditional male bonding never really appealed to me.

Playing sports, social drinking, video games, fishing, hunting, camping, gambling, smoking cigars, insulting each other, working with tools, and of course, sexual conquesting, these activities do almost nothing for me.

I love my male friends, enjoy spending time with them, and value guy time as an important part of my growth.

But spending eleven hours sitting around a lake, drinking beer and turning every moment into another goddamn competition, it’s just not my thing.

Frankly, it disgusts me. Feels so tribal and juvenile. Like we’re setting our gender back another fifty years with every ping pong ball that splashes into a red plastic cup.

And I understand that the key sociological difference between men and women is that men bond around activities, whereas women bond around emotional connections. Fine.

But can’t we find something else to do? It just feels so isolating.

When you’re the only male in the group who’s sober and doesn’t care about sports, you feel like a leper. There’s this very primal fear that you’re going to be singled out for your weirdness and excommunicated from the tribe forever.

Wait, that one doesn’t have a beer in his hand and isn’t contributing to the conversation about the basketball draft. Get him!

There is one solution to this problem. Been working on a new invention for a couple of years now, and it has the potential to revolutionize the sociological gap felt by many men such as myself.

Because I’m not alone here. There are thousands of men out there who fear the judgment, ridicule and physical harm from preening, macho assholes. That’s why we created this new software.

Goodsport is a geolocation app that sends your phone push notifications of sports history facts, athletic rituals and team jokes of whatever city you’re in. You’ll make sure you don’t say the wrong thing in public and get beat up.

It’s clinically proven to preserve the illusion of modern masculinity.

Goodsport, never put your cleat in your mouth again.

The key for me to remember is, this isn’t a failure of my personhood, this is a failure of manhood.

Millions of years of evolution have decided that these are the officially sanctioned activities for our gender, and that’s fine. Good luck turning that ship.

And so, I’ll play along for a few hours, but once people’s words start to slur and various colored balls begin getting thrown and kicked around, it’s time for me to go.

Which sociological pattern of your gender are you most disgusted by?


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Author. Speaker. Strategist. Songwriter. Filmmaker. Inventor. Gameshow Host. World Record Holder. I also wear a nametag 24-7. Even to bed.
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