Tag: leadership development

How do I approach someone who’s angry?

In David Lieberman’s bestselling book, Make Peace with Anyone, he explains that when someone responds negatively toward you, four possible motivations are at hand:

(1) He’s a jerk to everyone, (2) He is threatened by you, (3) He thinks you dislike him, or (4) You’ve given him a reason to dislike you.

This means the problem might not be 100% your fault.

So, consider these six practices for approaching angry people:

1. Start with yourself. No matter how hostile, rude or annoying some people are, you need to be strong enough to F-R-E-E-Z-E. Otherwise you enable their hostile behavior by virtue of responding to it. Fortunately, with a little self-exploration through healthy internal dialogue, you can dilute the toxicity of the effects of these people.

Ask yourself questions like…

“What value system is this person operating out of?”
“What is it – IN ME – that might be causing this reaction?”
“Could I possibly remind this individual of someone in their past who gave him a hard time?”
“How is it possible that this person could think or behave in this way, and under what circumstances would it make perfect sense to do so?”

2. Monopolize the listening. Keep quiet. Let him blow off some steam first. He has to run out of gas eventually. This will help him calm down without the need to condescendingly say, “Calm down.”

In fact, that’s the worst thing you could say. If you say “Calm down,” he’s either going to say: (1) I AM CALM!! Or, worse yet, (2) become more upset. No need to compound his frustration.

The secret is to allow your silence and stillness – almost like a body of water – to enable him to hear the sound of his own overreaction. Sometimes this subtle bell of awareness brings him back to center. If that doesn’t work, you can always try jamming a highlighter up his nose.

3. Use the word “Wow.” It’s neutral, versatile, empathetic, non-judgmental and emotionally unreactive. WOW avoids over actively listening to someone. WOW offers an immediate answer, thus laying a foundation of affirmation. WOW buys you some time, until you can define your official response.

WOW also helps you maintain composure when presented with unexpected, difficult or crucial information. WOW creates space in the conversation, which grants the speaker permission to continue. One word. One sentence. It works. Make it your default.

4. Deflect it. Don’t get sucked into the bait game. Don’t become defensive or upset. Instead, use neutral, you-oriented responses like, “You’re really upset about this,” or “You must be having a bad day.”

This type of language reverses the momentum of the conversation and demonstrates that you refuse to take ownership of somebody else’s problem. Either that, or his head will explode. Which wouldn’t actually be that bad anyway.

5. Avoid questions that begin with WHY. Here’s the problem: WHY can be seen as criticism. WHY can make people feel defensive. WHY can force someone to justify his actions. WHY can be internalized as a personal attack. WHY can be easily countered with because.

Instead, use question that begin with What, How, Who, When, or Where. They’re more objective and enable you to depersonalize the question. What’s more, those prefixes uncover information, specification and motivation; whereas WHY produces generalizations, rationalizations and justifications.

It takes some time to train yourself, but after about six months of why-mindfulness, you’ll rarely catch yourself saying it again. And although nobody will really notice the change, YOU will feel an immediate difference in the way you attend to others.

6. Offer specific behavioral feedback. Focus on the action, not the person. This assures the angry individual doesn’t take your comment as a personal attack.

Here’s a helpful formula: “John, when you react that way, other people – myself included – don’t want to be around or even approach you. We’re afraid that being honest might upset you again.” Try saying that, then wait.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What’s your secret for approaching your coworker or boss with a concern?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “26 Rapid-Fire Strategies for becoming the Most Approachable Person in Your Organization,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

If they can’t come UP to you; how will they ever get BEHIND you?

Buy Scott’s new book and learn daily practices for becoming a more approachable manager!

Pick up your copy (or a case!) right here.

What if you gave customers NO choice?

Remember when there was only ONE flavor of Doritos’s?

Those were the days.

Now, you can enjoy any of the following new flavors:

Nacho Cheese, Cool Ranch, Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch, Fiery Habanero, Natural White Nacho Cheese, Poppin’ Jalapeño, Ranchero, Salsa Verde, Smokin’ Cheddar BBQ, Spicy Nacho, Spicy Squirrel, Toasted Corn, Zesty Taco, Triple Bacon Cheeseburger, Sizzlin’ Picante, Hot Wings & Blue Cheese, Spicy Sweet Chili…

It never ends.

And the sad part is, they all pretty much taste the same.

And, what’s even MORE sad, is that when presented with this many options, customers LITERALLY get tired.

In the April 2008 issue of The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the University of Minnesota’s marketing department conducted a study on choice saturation. Their research determined that …

…the simple act of choosing caused mental fatigue.

“There is a significant shift in the mental programming that is made at the time of choosing,” said Professor Kathleen Vohs, PhD. “While mulling over a few options may weigh heavily on your mind, finally choosing one may just plain wear you out.”

Also, at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, a similar 2004 study proved that an overabundance of choices negative affects customers.

“Procter & Gamble would probably be better off if they offered less variety,” suggested Michaela Draganska, assistant professor of Marketing.

A native of Bulgaria, she had her own supermarket epiphany one day while shopping for yogurt.

“It was my first trip to an American grocery store. All I wanted to buy some normal plain yogurt. But after fifteen or twenty minutes looking through all the varieties, I was absolutely exasperated,” she recalls.

“In Bulgaria, life was very simple. You’d go to the store and ask for milk, and there’d be ONE type of milk. And that was that.”

Wow. One type of milk. Imagine that.

LESSON LEARNED: Complexity generates contemplation, and contemplation kills sales.

Because a confused mind never buys.

With an infinite amount of choices, customers don’t just become frustrated; they also don’t buy anything.

This is bad.

And not just for Doritos and milk, either.

So, what about you?

Are you giving your customers too many choices?

The choice is yours.

Er, theirs.

Whatever. My brain hurts.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What if you gave customers NO choice?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “12 Dangerous Doozies to Avoid in 2009,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

The world’s FIRST two-in-one, flip-flop book!

Buy Scott’s comprehensive marketing guidebook on Amazon.com and learn how to GET noticed, GET remembered and GET business!

What would happen if people didn’t have to “be careful what they say” around you?

My favorite scene in Meet The Fockers is when Ben Stiller gets stuck baby-sitting Little Jack.

Searching for anything to keep his infant nephew entertained, Focker resorts to singing a broken version of Mockingbird:

“And if that mockingbird don’t sing, Greg is gonna buy you a diamond ring … and if that diamond ring gets sold, Greg is gonna feel like a … big asshole.”

At which point Little Jack replies, “Ass … hooooole!”

“No!” Greg exclaims. “Oh, no, you don’t wanna say that word, cause that’s a bad word!”

“Ass … hooooole!”

But it was too late. Little Jack instantly added that word to his vocabulary. And if you know anything about the impressionability of children, you can guess what happened next.

Little Jack just kept saying it. Over and over. Like one of those annoying green parrots at the zoo.

“Ass … hooooole!”

And, to make matters worse, the rest of Greg’s family – which included Father-in-Law Robert DeNiro (yikes!) – was coming home soon. And thanks to Focker, that expletive seemed to be the ONLY word Little Jack knew.

“Ass … hooooole!”

So, why did this happen?

Easy. That’s what kids do. That’s how they learn. They imitate and repeat. You don’t have to be a parent to know that.

As so, one of the basic principles of Babysitting 101 is, “Be careful what you say around them.”

Hmm. Now there’s an interesting concept. Be careful what you say around them.

I wonder what would happen if we applied that same principle to the adult world?
I wonder what would happen if we stopped talking babies and start talking business?

See, there IS a direct correlation between this principle and YOUR reputation.

THINK ABOUT IT: Are you the kind of person who, when other people describe you, they have to add the warning, “You have to be careful what you say around him”?

I hope not. Because if this is the reputation you’ve earned – intentionally or incidentally – you might have a problem.

If this is the thought in people minds when they’re talking about, talking to, approaching or being approached by you – you might have a problem.

Because the REAL implication of the warning, “You have to be careful what you say around him”? suggests one (or a combination) of the following perceptions:

o You’re easily offended.
o You’re closed-minded & judgmental.
o You violate interpersonal trust by gossiping.
o You don’t give people permission to be fully truthful.
o You allow your emotions to get in the way of listening.
o You remember things and twist people’s words against them.

And as a result, three dangers occur:

DANGER #1: People will be on guard around you. Tense. Self-conscious. Afraid to offend you. Walking on eggshells. Hesitant to set off your emotions.

And the mental energy they expend on those fear-based thoughts (1) robs them of their ability to be true, (2) prevents them from offering full information and (3) scares them away from sharing what’s most important.

DANGER #2: Then, interactions will seem longer because people will feel uncomfortable. And interactions will end prematurely because people will just want to get the hell out of there.

Ultimately, this reputation that precedes you will contaminate the space. People won’t feel like it’s is a safe container in which they can share.

DANGER #3: This unapproachable behavior will also prevent the possibility of making communication a relaxing experience.

And the worst part is, your reputation as someone whom people have to “be careful what they say around” will stop future communication in its tracks.

“Ass … hooooole!”

To sidestep those dangers, let’s explore of five strategies for laying a foundation of approachability. When executed consistently, they will foster open, honest and complete communication with people you serve. What’s more, they’ll help dispel the myth that people always have to “be careful what they say around you.”

1. Establish safety early. If confidentiality is an issue, make sure you address that right away. Try Phrases That Payses, like, “This is completely off the record,” “This is between you, me and the stapler,” or “I want you to know that nobody else is going to know about this but us.”

This lets people know they can share honestly, openly and fully with you. No holding back. No fear of being ridiculed. Just a safe space. The earlier you establish this, the more comfortable people will become around you. How safe do people feel around you? How quickly do you create a question-friendly environment? And are you someone others can be dumb in front of?

2. Give people permission. To open up. To request help. To ask question. To offer feedback. To feel vulnerable. To share victories and mistakes. To volunteer information and concerns. To discuss workplaces problems before they snowball. To comfortable and confidently be their true self.

The secret is, whatever your people need permission to do; just make sure YOU execute that action first. My suggestion: Practice radical honesty. Reveal your vulnerability. Become a living brochure of your own awesomeness. The more you practice those, the more you grant people permission to reciprocate. What do your people need permission to do? What do your people need permission to BE? And how could you stick yourself out there FIRST to pave the way for future openness?

3. Share your thinking. If people never know what’s on your mind, your unpredictability will heighten their apprehension and lower your approachability. And the silent dialogue will become, “For all I know, could be a ticking time bomb this morning! Better not say anything deep or lengthy.”

As a result of this unapproachable pattern, your communication topics will always remain superficial with the people around you. Nobody will get to the heart of any important issues because they’re holding back, unsure about how you might react. How are you initiating movements toward people? What is causing you to be easily misunderstood? And what are you doing that prevents people from learning from you?

4. Become someone others could tell anything. Here’s a cool exercise: Get together with a close friend, colleague or superior. Have both people write down the name of ONE person in their lives in they feel they could tell anything.

Next, ask the following questions to yourselves: Why? What are the character attributes of those people? And what, specifically, have they done in the past to earn that position in our minds?

Then, write those attributes down on a sheet of paper. Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10 on how well you embody those attributes. Then, exchange papers and have your partner rate you on those same attributes without looking at your original score.

When you’re done, see how close the numbers get. You may be pleasantly surprised or unpleasantly shocked. Are you someone others could tell anything? Who confides in you? Whom do you confide in? And how would your business change if you were perceived as someone whom others could tell anything?

5. Grow thicker skin. If you’re the kind of person who takes offense to everything, here’s what will happen. People will start tiptoeing around you, trying their hardest not to get caught in your vortex of hypersensitivity. Then, they may purposely leave out important points just to avoid pushing your hot buttons. And all that’s going to do is leave you in the dark.

My suggestion: Practice accepting opposition to your viewpoints or decisions without considering it a personal attack. Divorce your ego. Detach. And learn to treat all ideas – even the ones that embarrass or contradict you – with deep democracy.

As Dr. Robert Sutton explains in The No Asshole Rule, “Adopt a frame that turns your attention to ways in which you are no better or worse than other people.”

Or, if that doesn’t help you grow thicker skin, you can always sing karaoke or participate in an open mic night. At what point during a conversation do you usually start tuning people out? How can you apply what you’re hearing, even if you’ve heard it before?

REMEMBER: Be not tolerant OF or satisfied WITH interpersonal distance.

I challenge you to make a concerted effort to understand how other people experience you.

I challenge you to become someone others could tell anything.

And I challenge you to become known as someone around whom other people don’t have to “be careful what they say.”

Otherwise, your new nickname might become: “Ass … hooooole!”

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What would happen to your organization if people didn’t have to watch their words around you?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “37 Personal Leadership Questions Guaranteed to Shake Your Soul,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Who’s quoting YOU?

Check out Scott’s Online Quotation Database for a bite-sized education on branding success!

www.stuffscottsaid.com.

A Short Course In Just About Everything

Want to be an effective listener?
Just take notes.

Want to be an effective speaker?
Just be funny.

Want to be an effective writer?
Just bleed your truth.

Want to be an effective coach?
Just dance in the moment.

Want to be an effective leader?
Just be an amazing person.

Want to be an effective salesman?
Just transfer your passion.

Want to be an effective manager?
Just read Dilbert. (then do the opposite)

Want to be an effective consultant?
Just make (or save) people money.

Want to be an effective expert?
Just know everything about ONE thing.

Want to be an effective marketer?
Just be remarkable and respectful.

Want to be an effective entrepreneur?
Just go.

Want to be an effective thought leader?
Just blog every single day.

Want to be an effective tweeter?
Just deliver meaningful concrete immediacy.

Want to be an effective blogger?
Just be a great date for your readers.

Want to be an effective professional?
Just work hard, long and smart.

Want to be an effective employee?
Just be the most interesting person at your company.

Want to be an effective date?
Just ask questions.

Want to be an effective frontline employee?
Just be friendly.

Want to be an effective boss?
Just watch The Office. (then do the opposite)

Want to be an effective student?
Just learn one new thing, every day, then write it down.

Want to be an effective thinker?
Just be an expert at learning from your experiences.

Want to be an effective friend?
Just be someone people could call at 2 AM.

Want to be an effective artist?
Just infect people.

Want to be an effective service provider?
Just tell people the truth.

Want to be an effective worker
Just get up an hour earlier.

Want to be an effective businessperson?
Just outwork everyone.

Want to be an effective coworker?
Just respect people’s boundaries.

Want to be an effective adviser?
Just stop giving advice.

Want to be an effective mentor?
Just let your life speak.

Want to be an effective networker?
Just deliver value first.

Want to be an effective performer?
Just be too good to forget.

Want to be an effective person?
Just do what the person you are trying to become would do.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What’s your best “short course” line?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “12 Dangerous Doozies to Avoid in 2009,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Never the same speech twice.
Always about approachability.

Watch The Nametag Guy in action here!

How do I approach my coworker or boss with a concern?

FIRST: Pinpoint self-interest.

Let me share four words that changed my life forever:

Nobody cares about you.

I know. It’s hard to wrap your head around that. But it’s true.

People don’t care how good you are – they care how good you’re going to help them become. People don’t care what you’ve done – they care what you’ve learned, and how those lessons can help them. And people don’t care if you’re having a bad day – they care how you’re going to help them have a better day.

Try these Phrases That Payses to let people know that you understand what’s important to them:

1. “I know how much this means to you”
2. “I can see this is important to you”
3. “Jim, you obviously wouldn’t have knocked off that jewelry store if you didn’t love your wife.”

Also, here’s another exercise that will keep you focused on whoever your “them” is. Ask yourself the following questions, each of which can be phrased for individuals or groups of people:

o What is this person’s success seed?
o What is the key to this person’s heart?
o Who does this person need to look good for?
o What is #1 on this person’s Self Interest List?
o What does this person’s self-interest hinge upon?
o Who can hurt this person the most, and how can I address that?
o What underlying objective or goal does this person’s role create?

SECOND: Think on paper.

Writing makes everything you do easier. Writing brings clarity and untangles threads. It’s also a form of self-communication.

So, before officially approaching your coworker or boss, I suggest you collect and organize your thoughts first. SEE what you’re thinking. This makes it easier to articulate everything you want to say when the time comes, almost like you’re tapping into a reservoir of insight.

THIRD: Create a listenable environment.

When you walk into someone’s office or sit down, start off by asking, “Is this a good time for you to listen to me?” If yes, proceed to speak. If not, ask them, “When would be a good time for you to listen to me?” These questions reinforce your commitment to creating listenable environments.

Also, ask yourself: Is this setting conducive to listening? What around you might be distracting someone from listening to you? How could you put yourself in the most listenable position?

FOURTH: Give people the meat.

Look. People are really, really busy. They simply don’t have time to listen to or read everything you’ve got for them.

In short: You need to cut to the chase.

You need to approach your conversations, emails and encounters with a greater mindfulness of the A.D.D., hyperspeed and instant-gratification-nobody-cares-about-you culture in which we live.

In his famous book, The Ten Rules of Writing, Elmore Leonard advised, “If you want to write a great book, just leave out the parts people skip.”

Wow. What a concept. I wonder what would happen if you applied that same rule to emails, phone calls and conversations? (People would probably listen to you a LOT more, that’s for sure!)

Ask yourself: Is what I’m about to say or write something other people would usually skip? If so, take it out. Trim the fat. Become known as a filter. A distiller. A walking Cliff’s Note Machine.

Everybody will want to be around you because people are just DYING for someone to cut all the crap out for them and just give them they good stuff.

REMEMBER: Humans are carnivores and they’re hungry. Feed them with your value. What parts of this email do you need to leave out? Is what you’re about to say rooted in value or vanity? And, if you ran a Body Mass Index of your last presentation, email or conversation, what percentage of it would be pure pudge?

FIFTH: Send a summary. At the end of the conversation or meeting, say this: “Mark, I’ve been writing down a few notes today. When I get back to my office, I’ll send you an email with quick, bullet-point summary of our conversation. That way we’ll be the same page.”

Almost NOBODY will reject this suggestion. Especially a manager. It’s a time saver for them. It’s also bookmark on the conversation so they don’t have to remember anything.

Or, if they DO forget something, they’ll always have a handy reference guide for confirmation. What’s more, on your side of the conversation, this practice shows initiative, demonstrates effective listening and proactive communication, plus it establishes joint-accountability.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What’s your secret for approaching your coworker or boss with a concern?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “26 Rapid-Fire Strategies for becoming the Most Approachable Person in Your Organization,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

If they can’t come UP to you; how will they ever get BEHIND you?

Buy Scott’s new book and learn daily practices for becoming a more approachable manager!

Pick up your copy (or a case!) right here.

How do I approach complainers?

If you work with one of those delightful people whose sole purpose in life is to flood your mental landscape with complaints, consider these five practices for approaching them with comfort and class:

1. Appreciate their value. Yes, complaining is unattractive. Yes, complaining solves nothing. Yes, complaining makes you want to drown yourself in the water cooler.

Still, there is some validity in listening closely to what people are whining about. Often times, these people point out problems everyone else overlooked. What good does this complainer point out?

2. Allow dead air. Nothing makes complainers happier than when another person validates their position and joins them in their self-indulgent pity party. Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t get sucked into their vortex of negativity because they’re insecure about their own life situation.

Instead, try saying nothing. Literally. Complainers HATE dead air. Eventually they’ll get bored and move on. Are you willing to accept silence as a normal part of your conversations?

3. Remove the audience. What’s the best way to handle a screaming child who demands Mike & Ikes in the checkout line of the grocery store? Ignore him. After all, they only make a fuss to get attention.

So, the same parallel can be made for complainers: They’re the kind of people who grumble aloud, then look around the room to see who agrees with them. Validate me! Validate me! They think.

My suggestion: Remove the audience. Don’t make eye contact. Do something else. Or just walk away. No Audience = No Attention = No Reason to Complain. What if there was nobody to complain to?

4. Mirror the responsibility. If there’s one thing complainers hate, it’s taking responsibility. After all, they wouldn’t be complaining if they had any idea how to execute, right?

So, here’s what you do. Next time someone complains to you about some insolvable issue, refuse to take ownership of her problem. Do the exact opposite – mirror the responsibility. Try saying, “So, what are you going to do about it?” or “What do you suggest?” or “Well then, what’s the solution?” How are you calmly putting the ball back in their court?

5. Send it back. When all else fails, snarkiness might be the answer. (Some people just need to hear it!) So, respond with slightly cynical language that refuses to fuel the fire.

For example, next time your coworker, Lauren, stops by your cubicle to whine about how her caveman boyfriend left the seat up and she accidentally fell into the toilet and that’s why she was twenty minutes late getting to work, respond with, “That’s great news!” “Thanks for sharing that!” or “Don’t worry, I read in US Weekly that Urine is the name of Paris Hilton’s new perfume line!”

If neither of those approaches work, you could always try, “Lauren, I can’t believe I just let you waste two minutes of my life. I am now dumber having listening to you. Please go away or else I’m calling security.” Are you willing to fight fire with snark?

REMEMBER: Complaining rarely makes anybody any money.

Except maybe George Carlin.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How do you approach complainers?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “26 Rapid-Fire Strategies for becoming the Most Approachable Person in Your Organization,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

If they can’t come UP to you; how will they ever get BEHIND you?

Buy Scott’s new book and learn daily practices for becoming a more approachable manager!

Pick up your copy (or a case!) right here.

Namaste Communication: 6 Ways to Honor the Spirit of People You Encounter

“I bow to you.”

That’s the literal translation of the Sanskrit word namaste.

And although it’s primarily used as a greeting or salutation in Indian, Buddhist and Asian cultures/faiths, there’s no reason you can’t embrace the spirit of namaste in your own daily life.

I first experienced this philosophy when I started taking Bikram Yoga. At the end of each class – right before our instructor walked out of the room and left us to our final meditation – she would conclude by saying namaste. Then, as a gesture of respect and gratitude, all of the students would repeat namaste in unison as she exited.

Well, almost all of the students. Personally, I was so exhausted, out of breath and out of fluids that I could barely keep my eyes open, much less articulate a three syllable word.

Eventually – somewhere around my tenth or so class – I finally came around.

That’s when I learned that the word namaste also translates to: “The spirit within me honors the spirit within you.”

And I thought, “Cool. What a beautiful concept. I wonder if there are other areas of life in which we could apply namaste…?”

That was about 18 months ago. Since then, I’ve been collecting a list of practices that transports this sacred philosophy into our daily interactions. (Especially the areas of communication where I need the most work!)

So, as you read each of these examples, I challenge you to ask yourself three questions:

(1) How do I feel when others do this for me?
(2) How well am I currently practicing this in my own life?
(3) What are some ways I could improve the way I practice this in my own life?

1. Embrace their pace. Listening is midwifing. It’s about helping the other person give birth to her own understanding. It’s about facilitating a natural process. Enabling and nurturing the speaker’s rhythm guiding him to make the best choices. Ultimately, the goal is to provide assistance, NOT authority. That way he can see, find, say, do, know, learn and discover by his own accord.

TRY THIS: Resist the need to take over. Respect the speaker’s speed of self-discovery. No pushing. No forcing. Gentle nudging. Embrace their pace. Suspend conversational control. Allow people to safely process their own thoughts and solutions. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

TRY THIS: Frame answers with alternatives. Instead of giving advice, pose questions so the other person can hear more deeply what his heart is saying. Ask, “What are your options?” This objective response doesn’t take over someone’s problems. It allows him to dig for the answer on his own.

Also, the use of the word “options” indicates multiple possibilities for solutions. What’s more, this response avoids telling someone what they, “should” do, while still offering a potential solution. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: How are you inviting discovery? How are you creating a space where people can see the solutions in themselves? And how would people’s perception of your leadership ability change if THEY were the ones who felt like they always discovered the solution?

2. Give people the time and space they need to fully express themselves. In Parker Palmer’s fantastic book about listening and leadership, A Hidden Wholeness, he talks about being hospitable to the soul.

“Make each soul feel safe enough to show up and speak its truth,” he explains. “Create a space that invites the soul to make itself known or you will scare it away and drive that which is original and wild into hiding.”

Wow. Imagine what would happen to your perception as a leader and listener if you practiced that.

TRY THIS: Resist your impulse to fix. Just be. Abandon the arrogance of believing you have the answer to the person’s problem. “It’s not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be honored,” Palmer suggests.

So, don’t try to save people – just be present to them. Stand with simple attentiveness. Your faith in them will bolster their own faith in themselves. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

TRY THIS: Approachability is just as much about what you don’t do. Examples: Don’t fix. Don’t invade. Don’t evade. Don’t advise. Don’t set straight. Don’t influence. Don’t pressure. Don’t answer. Don’t save. Don’t analyze. Don’t insert opinions and agendas. Don’t advance your self-image.

I know it’s a lot to keep track of, but if you fall victim to these egoic tendencies, you risk contaminating the listening space and scaring people’s truth away. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: Are you listening or waiting talk? Are you leading or superimposing your beliefs on others? And how do you plan to create the space people need to exert their distinctiveness?

3. Help people unravel deeper significance. The only way to accomplish this is to create a safe container in which the person can share. Remember: A person’s soul is shy. You don’t want to scare it away. Still, people need to feel essential. Not important. Not valued. Not special. ESSENTIAL.

TRY THIS: Let what people say have an impact on you AND them. For example, when someone makes a profound comment, asks a killer question or juxtaposes words in a beautifully unexpected way, PAUSE. This silent space allows deep, creative ideas to surface. Which gives someone the stage her words deserve. Which gives that person the opportunity to let their original idea truly resonate down to THEIR core.

Like my doctor says, “If you wait long enough, your patient will tell you the diagnosis.” Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

TRY THIS: After holding a person in a loving space where she is compelled to listen to herself, send reinforcements for her unraveling process. Here’s how: When you review your notes from the conversation, extract all of the keepers, nuggets and epiphanies that surfaced and email them to the other person.

In the subject line write, “13 Keepers from Our Conversation Yesterday.” Then write, “Karen, thanks for sharing your powerful insights yesterday. Really got me thinking! I wrote a few of them down for your reference…” Guarantee it will both unravel deeper significance and make her feel essential. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: How are you helping people help themselves? Have you accepted silence as a normal part of your conversations? And how are you following up with people to make sure they listen to themselves?

4. Open your receptors to the other person’s subtleties. Listening is about listening FOR things. Even if you don’t agree. Even if you don’t approve. That’s all part of namaste – the honoring. The accepting. The loving.

So, begin by listening for language patterns: Listen for what they say, listen for what they don’t say, listen for what they’re not telling you, listen for what the person is trying to communicate, listen for what thoughts they share first, listen for what thoughts they share last, listen for what is emphasized and listen for what is downplayed.

Also, listen for opportunities: Listen for what is pushing the person, listen for their ideas of how they want things to be, listen for how to remove resistance, listen for what the person would need, listen for others’ interests and listen for areas where people are afraid and hurt.

TRY THIS: Say what you see. Use Phrases That Payses like, “I had an observation,” “I noticed,” and “My intuition is telling me that…” The three secrets are: (1) Observe, don’t accuse; (2) insinuate, don’t impose; and (3) describe, don’t prescribe. Otherwise people won’t open up, become defensive and assume you’re trying to “fix” them. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

TRY THIS: Count behaviors. If you’re taking notes when working with someone, keep a discreet tally of certain tendencies, i.e., “The number of times he says the word ‘but’” or “The number of sentences he starts with the word ‘I can’t…’”

After a certain point, turn your paper 180 degrees and show them your tally. Explain what it stands for and then wait for a response. This objective, non-judgmental style of feedback is not only respectful, but doesn’t challenge someone’s character or attitude. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: What are you listening for? What are you listening with? And what do you plan to do with what you hear?

5. Understand, honor and respond to their unique experience of the world. My definition of empathy is, “The ability to look at the world through different value systems.” This means placing special or unique value in everything people share with you. This means not trying to change the situation, but rather, thinking new ways to experience it that would make a positive difference in how you feel.

TRY THIS: Change your relationship to your emotions. Don’t allow your defensiveness to block your receptivity to someone else’s truth. Especially when there’s a conflict of opinions. Instead, view disagreements as if they were celebrations of ideas. You will listen with a more open (and less defensive) posture.

TRY THIS: Be on the lookout for subtle, external cues about what people are really like. Keep your receptors open for indicators of their core, their truth: What they value, what makes issues important in their lives, what their vision and purpose is, what they treasure and what makes them come alive. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: Do your comments honor the other person’s unique feelings, thoughts and emotions? Have you lost track of this conversation because of the inner conversation you’re having with your ego? And what is preventing your ears from opening in this conversation?

6. The correct answer is whatever they learned.. So, honor whatever surfaces. Dance in the moment. Believe that perfection is unfolding right before your eyes. Then, help them embrace this perfection so you both can feel rightness and appropriateness in the encounter.

TRY THIS: Pick something ordinary that they said and brainstorm all the reasons you can of for its perfection. Then email that list to them the day after your conversation. They’ll never forget it. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

TRY THIS: Acknowledge their rising thoughts and feelings. During a conversation with someone, presence is the secret and anticipation is the enemy. Ask yourself one question: “What is the truth at this particular moment?” That will help keep you present. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: What are you missing out on because of the need to be right? How are you saying yes to What Is? And how can you build an environment where wrong answers are impossible?

– – –

REMEMBER: You don’t need to be a Yogi to honor the spirit of those you serve.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How are you practicing namaste?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “53 Not So Obvious Patterns Listeners Need to Listen For,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Never the same speech twice.
Always about approachability.

Watch The Nametag Guy in action here!

How to Make People Flock to You Like Bees to Honey

Today we’re going to wrap up our discussion becoming known as the most approachable person in your organization.

(If you haven’t read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3, knock yourself out.)

So, whether you’re an office professional, middle manager, C-level executive or part of the overnight cleaning crew, executing these strategies will accomplish three goals:

(1) Boost the net worth of your human capital
(2) Attract MORE attention, MORE people and MORE opportunities into your world, and
(3) Reduce the possibility that your company will kick your butt to the curb in this crappy economy.

1. Give others space to be who they are. First, set the tone by giving yourself space to be who YOU are. That’s the hardest part. Owning your Truth and letting it shine – even if parts of it aren’t perfect.

Second, honor and respect the distinctiveness of others. For example, when someone shares his passion – especially when it’s something unusual, obscure or completely opposite of what you do (birding, for example) respond with, “Cool!” or “Wow!” These complimentary, yet objective words will invite the other person to share more, thus eliminating the possibility that he will remain mediocre.

Third, shut up. If you want to give people space to be who they are, just stop talking. Silence is the great arbiter of Truth. Your goal is to learn to play the game called, “Let’s See How Long I Can Get This Person To Talk About What They Love.”

This grants people permission to dig deep inside themselves and express what’s alive and true. And the best part is: You always win. And so does the other person. Because once people have clearly communicated who they are, they can relax. Remember: People need to feel assured that they can be themselves around you. Are you granting others space to talk? Are you granting others space to BE? And what would happen to your career if you became known as the best listener in your organization?

2. Meet and touch people where they are. No judgments. No evaluations. No appraisals. That’s approachable. And, I know: “Not judging people” is easier said than done. Fine. Try this: Articulate what’s occurring. Say what you see. Verbalize your observations. Respond to someone’s immediate experience and dance in the moment with language like, “I noticed,” “It looks like,” and “I have an observation.”

Doing so helps you observe without accusing, insinuate without imposing and describe without prescribing. What’s more, “saying what you see” is objective, non-judgmental, non-comparison based and emotionally unreactive. It’s a statement of observation. An impartial piece of feedback that doesn’t challenge someone’s character or attitude, it simply meets them where they are.

Best yet, it prevents the possibility of leaving somebody feeling unheard. What is this person experiencing because of what is happening? How is it possible that this person could think or behave in this way? And under what circumstances would it make perfect sense to do so?

3. Show people that their feelings are legitimate. Avoid phrases like, “You don’t really feel that way,” “Oh, don’t say that,” or “You’re making too much of a fuss about this.” They come off as insincere and patronizing. And while you may THINK you’re listening, you’re actually doing more damage than if you had said nothing.

I’ve dubbed these rote responses “You’re Not Helping Phrases.” Because that’s exactly what they do – detract from the effectiveness of your listening practice. And especially when you’re dealing with a person who’s upset, angry, suffering or highly emotional, you want to respond as genuinely as possible.

Consider saying, “You have a right to feel that way,” “I would be frustrated too,” or “It’s OK to be upset.” Remember: People are entitled to whatever feelings arise. Your challenge is to honor their current experience. So, watch your words. Regulate your rote responses. Steer clear of platitudes, minimizers, empty promises, shorthand listening techniques and false empathy.

Because the last thing you want someone to think is, “Yeah, you’re NOT helping.” How are you showing people that their feelings are legitimate? What if you saw everyone as important? And what needs to be developed in you to better handle your judgment of others?

4. Do not despise the day of small beginnings. Top Ten Scriptures from the Old Testament, in my opinion. (Zechariah 4:10) And, if you interpret this philosophy from an interactional perspective, it takes on a very cool meaning.

Part of being an approachable leader is the unconditional watering of people’s success seeds. This style of attending to others, as psychologist Carl Rogers wrote, “Accepts an individual’s worth and morality, thereby creating the best possible conditions for personal growth.”

My friend and fellow coach Dixie Gallaspie is a walking translation of this attribute of approachability. That’s what I love about having a conversation with her: The word “can’t” doesn’t exist in her vocabulary. She believes in everybody. She’s a booster, not a buster. A liberator, not a legislator.

And Dixie will ALWAYS value people’s dreams, crazy or impossible as they may sound. Ultimately, her confidence in others changes their confidence in themselves, which, for many of her clients – myself included – has launched their career trajectories.

So, here’s the secret: Regularly enlarge people so they feel less invisible and more essential. Deposit good words inside of them like, “I appreciate you,” “I believe in you” and “I value your dream.” You never know what new beginning your words will initiate. What do people get when they get you? How are you enlarging them? And what, specifically, could you say today to water somebody’s success seeds?

5. Make sure people like themselves when they are with you. It’s not how you feel about you; it’s not how they feel about you; it’s about how THEY feel about THEM. That’s all that matters.

A truly approachable person is one with whom another never feels small. One who forces people to have a good opinion of themselves. One who gets people to feel more highly of themselves. One who helps people recall their high performance patterns.

Suggestion: Don’t just take notes on what people say; tell THEM to take notes on what THEY just said. Here’s how you do it: After somebody shares a powerful insight, look at them and say, “That’s great. Have you written about that yet?” or “WRITE THAT DOWN!!!” Odds are, they’ll smile, possibly blush, and learn to honor their brilliance more often.

I practice this with my colleagues at least three times a week, and it never fails to energize people’s postures – both physically and spiritually. That’s the best part. Their shift in body language as they begin writing demonstrates not only gratitude, but also personal pride. Remember: Help people encounter overlooked aspects of themselves so you can leave people in LOVE with themselves. How do most people feel when they’re around you? How do you leave people? And what, specifically, are you doing every day to make others feel essential?

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Do people flock to you like bees to honey?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “26 Rapid-Fire Strategies for becoming the Most Approachable Person in Your Organization,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

If they can’t come UP to you; how will they ever get BEHIND you?

Buy Scott’s new book and learn daily practices for becoming a more approachable manager!

Pick up your copy (or a case!) right here.

How to Lead from the Heart, not the Handbook

The formula for authentic, approachable leadership is simple:

Heart Over Handbook, Soul Over Script.

That means you need to be CONSISTENT.
Because consistency is far better than rare moments of greatness.

That means you need to maintain INTEGRITY.
Because people are listening to the sound of your actions.

That means you need to articulate your BOUNDARIES.
Because if you don’t set healthy boundaries for yourself, people will set them for you.

That means you need to put a stake in the ground and OWN YOUR TRUTH.
Because if you don’t make a name for yourself, somebody will make one for you.

Now, if you’re the kind of person who says, “Yeah, but I’m not a leader…”

Think again.

We’re all leaders. Even if the only person we ever lead is ourselves. That still counts.

The challenge is doing so authentically. After all, being yourself is hard. As Emerson famously said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Here’s a list of ten practices for leading from the heart, not the handbook…

1. Be the “You” that you always wanted to become. Straight out of Jerry Maguire. That moment when Tom Cruise prints out hundreds of copies of his corporate manifesto called, “The Things We Think, But Do Not Say.” Sure, he got fired the next day. But at least he stopped living a lie. Man. If only more people had cojones like that. What is still lethal inside of you that wants to be transformed?

2. Behave in a manner that is consistent with your self-concept. Act in harmony with the way you see yourself. Live in a way that honors your soul. You’ll find it’s actually a LOT easier than the alternative. Some people fake it till they make it for so long that they never get around to making it. So for you, just start making it. TODAY. Faking is for losers. How could bring more of yourself to this situation?

3. Calculate the cost of NOT standing up for your boundaries here. Literally. Think about what, specifically, would happen to your body if you compromised your truth. Some people would feel a thud in their gut. Others a ping in their chest. Either way, your body never lies to you. Are you able to hold a courageous conversation to reinforce your boundaries?

4. Give people the tools they need to build the world you envision. Just ask yourself the ultimate Back to the Future Question, “If everybody did exactly what I said, what would the world look like?” Once you’ve written down a few answers, you can customize a framework for the ideal world you hope to build. Then all you have to do is stay within those parameters. What are you building?

5. Imagine what the earlier version of yourself would do in this situation. Of course, that implies you’ve grown. Evolved. Matured. Ripened. And that process ONLY comes from a never-ending desire to add value to yourself. Which means you should probably stop watching television. Come on. You already know who’s going to win American Idol anyway. My money’s on the cute guy with spikey hair and tight jeans. Do you have a remarkable devotion to personal progress?

6. Keep your actions in alignment with the best working model of your identity. Make a list called, “How I Make Decisions.” Write down all the questions you ask yourself throughout the day. Think of it as an Opportunity Filter. A governing document for daily decision-making. This is a fantastic exercise if you haven’t done it yet. A few faves from my list include, “Now that I have this, what else does this make possible?” and “Is this an opportunity, or an opportunity to be used?” If you were you, what would you do in this situation?

7. Leverage your frustration in this situation as motivation to grow into more of the person you’ve always wanted to be. “Breath through it.” That’s what my yoga instructor always says. That every posture – difficult and pretzel-like as it may seem – can always be practiced effectively if you just breathe through it. That’s the secret: Save the drama for yo’ mama and channel that frustration into something more productive. What mission were you mandated to fulfill?

8. Make choices that add wood – not water – to your internal fire. Life’s too short to surround yourself with people who don’t challenge and inspire you. Life’s too valuable to work a job that robs you of your true talent and purpose. And life’s too beautiful to spend watching other people pursue their passion while you sit in a cubicle waiting for your boss to go to lunch so you can go take a nap in your car. Does your calendar reflect your passion?

9. Make sure the message you’re currently preaching is the dominant reality of your life. That’s the difference between orthodoxy, which means, “correct thoughts,” and orthopraxy, which means, “correct actions.” It’s about preaching what you practice, not the other way around. Because people don’t give you credit for what they HEAR you SAY consistently. They only give you credit for what they SEE you DO consistently. What type of person do you have to become on the inside to become the person you want to become on the outside?

10. Release the behaviors that are preventing you from making progress towards becoming the best version of yourself. Example: Shrinking from the opportunity to share your eclectic interests with others. Example: Backing away from posting pictures of you. What are you currently doing that makes NO sense at all?

REMEMBER: Honor thy heart, not thy handbook. Surrender to thy soul, not thy script.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What is your definition of Authentic Leadership?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “37 Personal Leadership Questions Guaranteed to Shake Your Soul,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Who’s quoting YOU?

Check out Scott’s Online Quotation Database for a bite-sized education on branding success!

www.stuffscottsaid.com.

5 (More) Ways to become the Most Approachable Employee in Your Organization

Today we’re going to continue exploring practices to help you become known as the most approachable person in your organization. (If you haven’t read Part 1 and Part 2, knock yourself out.)

So, whether you’re an office professional, middle manager, C-level executive or part of the overnight cleaning crew, executing these strategies will accomplish three goals:

(1) Boost the net worth of your human capital
(2) Attract MORE attention, MORE people and MORE opportunities into your world, and
(3) Reduce the possibility that your company will kick your butt to the curb in this crappy economy.

1. Give people permission to comfortably, confidently and consistently BE their true selves. The easiest way to do that is to comfortably, confidently and consistently be YOUR true self first. Here’s a more detailed equation of how this permission process works…

When you know your boundaries, you know who you are.
When you know who you are, you feel more confident.
When you feel more confident, you aren’t threatened by other people’s differences.
When you aren’t threatened by other people’s differences, yours do not threaten them.
When people aren’t threatened by each other, they accept each other.

Ultimately, when you know (and are cool with) WHO you are, you enhance the sense of self of the people you serve. This leads to a stronger, more diverse organization because when people accept each other, the rules change. Cool. Have you pinpointed the conditions under which you inhibit your own self-expression? Does your truthful self-expression inspire other people to do the same? And how different would your office feel if the people who worked there stopped bullshitting each other realized that it’s OK to be vulnerable?

2. Be someone others can be vulnerable and dumm in front of. That’s easy. All you have to do is demonstrate your ignorance and vulnerability first. Several suggestions: Be SMART, but don’t be a Smarty Pants. Practice confident uncertainty. Make questioning easy. Be fundamentally affirmative. Lead with weakness. Admit to temporary brain farts.

Each of these examples a great practice being vulnerable, dumm and naked. THAT’S approachable. Remember: Presenting yourself as better, smarter or cooler than others increases the distance between people. On the other hand, people respect people who are grounded. A person’s faults are what make him or her likable. Does your life take place in the opening or the closing? How naked are you willing to be? And how are you leveraging your vulnerabilities to gain people’s trust?

3. Make it easy for others to be playful around you. In three words: Start with silly. In emails. In conversations. In phone calls. In sales pitches. In meetings. In customer encounters. Incorporate silliness right away. Now, that doesn’t mean trying to be side-splittingly funny with everyone you meet. And that doesn’t mean being a goofball all the time. But the sooner you “lay tile” of comfort and playfulness, the sooner you will take the tension out of your conversations, and the smoother your message will be digested.

Remember: The reason playfulness, excitement and lightness infect people quickly is because humor is the only universal language. So, starting with silly has a cumulative effect: Silliness reduces defensiveness, which increases relaxation, which increases engagement, which increases the likelihood of someone listening to you. Are you getting your first laughs soon enough? When does the feeling of formality keep you from communicating playfully? And how much money are you losing by being about as exciting as a pre-season WNBA game?

4. Be empathetic to communication apprehension. If someone is shy, don’t fuel the fire. Humans form their identities based on how others have responded to them in the past. That’s why shy people are shy people. Because other people have consistently TOLD them they were shy people.

If you observe that a person is shy, the last thing you want to do is say, “Don’t be shy!” or “Oh, are you shy sweetheart?” Big mistake. Instead, make yourself accessible outside of group situations for people who are shy in front of others.

Also, as you exit conversations or meetings, remind people that they can still come to you at any time in the future with related questions or ideas, even if it’s after the fact. Ultimately, the goal is to make people better off having communicated with you. How do you treat shy people? Are you someone people could tell anything? And what type of person would you have to become to make even the shyest people willing to open up around you?

5. Be sensitive to others’ experience. Especially when people are highly emotional. Just make sure you don’t to pretend to know what they’re feeling or going through. And just make sure you don’t act like you “get” it. You don’t.

In the words of author Parker Palmer, “Stop peddling a falsehood. No person can fully experience another’s mystery. And stop trying to fix. Be present to their pain. Simply stand respectfully at the edge of that person’s misery.”

Overidentification is counterproductive to effective listening. Instead, acknowledge their emotional experience. Remind them that they’re entitled to their own feelings. And avoid discounting their perception of the situation by placing value or appraising their interpretation as “good” or “bad.”

This is a form of subtle denial, and it REALLY pisses people just. Just let them feel. It’s not good, it’s not bad – it just IS. Are you sensitive to this person’s immediate experience? Are you giving people space to feel what they need to feel? And what values of this person have you violated, and how is that resulting in them shutting down communication?

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Are you an Askable Person?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “26 Rapid-Fire Strategies for becoming the Most Approachable Person in Your Organization,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

If they can’t come UP to you; how will they ever get BEHIND you?

Buy Scott’s new book and learn daily practices for becoming a more approachable manager!

Pick up your copy (or a case!) right here.

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