How to Show Up without Showing Off

Woody Allen was wrong.

His famous one-liner was, “80% of life is showing up.”

Wrong. Showing up isn’t enough.

Think about it: How many times have YOU showed up … and sucked?

HERE’S THE REALITY: That you show up isn’t nearly as important as how you show up.

People respond to the sum total of what you present to them. Either positively, negatively, or not at all. It all depends on how you show up.

The problem is, people often shrink from showing UP because they’re terrified of being accused of showing OFF.

This doesn’t have to be the case. You can still show up strongly without showing off annoyingly.

Let’s explore seven strategies for doing so:

1. Stop proving yourself and start expressing yourself. This is a hard and humbling shift to make in your behavior. Took me about five years. And looking back, I now realize there are a few steps that can be taken by anyone to do so:

FIRST: Stop proclaiming and start displaying. Create avenues for others to experience your unique talents.

SECOND: Stop demanding your rights and start deploying your gifts. An attitude of entitlement doesn’t look good on anyone.

THIRD: Stop trying to be somebody. Befriend who you already are. It’s a lot less work.

Ultimately, these practices will enable you to inspire people from the inside, as opposed to advising them from the outside. Remember: The less you have to prove, the less other people will feel threatened around you.

Do this, and you will show up stronger than ever. What does your presence awaken in people?

2. Forego the fear of being found out. If you’re at war with yourself, you will not show up well. And the body count will double every time you walk into a room. Instead, your mission is to preserve an attitude of self-acceptance. To occupy your vulnerability and make friends with all aspects of yourself – even the ones that make you cringe.

That’s what I’ve discovered after 3,278 consecutive days of wearing a nametag: When you relax and assume everything is perfect, you begin to feel rightness and complete appropriateness in who you are. And so do the people you meet.

Do this, and you will show up stronger than ever. Are you AT war with yourself or IN love with yourself?

3. Assemble initiative, not inertia. That means being willing to be heard. That means being twice as proactive in everything you do. And that means being diligent in putting yourself in the success moment, and doing so with deadening regularity.

The enemy of initiative, on the other hand, is being paralyzed by your own mistakes. Being distracted by your own nonsense. And becoming a prisoner of yesterday’s errors. Be careful. Inertia is the slaughterer of success. Only movement counts.

Do this, and you will show up stronger than ever. Are you a cause or an effect?

4. Learn to become a part of every place you enter. In the fantastic book, Honoring the Self, I learned: “Come soft and bright as a sponge to be filled, unresisting; and allow nothing to weigh too much within your soul.”

That’s definition of vulnerability. That’s the epitome of openness. And if you practice this, and you will be welcomed everywhere you go. You will feel at home wherever you go.

Do this, and you will show up stronger than ever. When you walk into a room, how does it change?

5. Learn to become someone when you’re alone. That way, should you find yourself suddenly kicked to the curb (by your job, friends, spouse, partner, whatever), you can still prosper. As long as you listen deeply TO yourself, stay in constant rapport WITH yourself and heed what you hear FROM yourself.

That’s why I love yoga. It’s rock-solid practice trusting your support system of inner resources. Plus, you learn to “take your practice off the mat,” which is the process of transporting what you learned from one discipline into various other life containers.

As Emerson wrote in Self-Reliance, “The great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” And ultimately, becoming someone when you’re alone makes it easier to show up AS someone when you’re not.

Do this, and you will show up stronger than ever. How often do you hold daily appointments with yourself?

6. Build a better you. Mousetraps are overrated. YOU are the only product that ever matters. After all, people buy people first. My suggestion is that you rededicate yourself as an instrument, recenter yourself in your commitment and recreate situations where your gifts can flourish.

That’s how you become the person you most admire. By creating a vision of how you would like yourself to be, “trying on” that vision until it fits like a glove, and then making sure lots of key people are watching you wear it.

Do this, and you will show up stronger than ever. In what area(s) of your life are you most motivated to improve?

7. Don’t just DO differently – BE differently. Here’s how: First, choose to approach the world as one giant banquet. Second, regard every moment as a new, positive opportunity to exercise your choice about how to experience life. And third, live like it’s nobody’s business.

That’s what it takes to BE (not just DO) differently. Sadly, most people aren’t ready for different. They get scared when they meet different. And you have to learn to be OK with that. You have to learn to soar in spite of that. So, remember what my Grandpa says, “Do the best you can with as many as you can.”

Do this, and you will show up stronger than ever. Do you have the courage to be unpopular?

REMEMBER: That you show up is eclipsed by the importance of HOW you show up.

Don’t shrink from doing so for fear of being accused of showing off.

Sculpt yourself into the person you want to present to others.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How do you show up?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “37 Personal Leadership Questions Guaranteed to Shake Your Soul,” send an email to me, and you win the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

If they can’t come UP to you; how will they ever get BEHIND you?

Buy Scott’s new book and learn daily practices for becoming a more approachable manager!

Pick up your copy (or a case!) right here.

10 Ways to Enable Employees to Ask You for Help

“Why aren’t my people asking me for help?”

Well, that depends: Are you an askable person?

Consider these ten practices for pumping up your askability:

1. Don’t force solutions. While the willingness to find answers is essential to your askability, remember that you can’t force it. Especially when the answer isn’t immediately clear. Doing so only works in reverse. And any time you try to instantly compartmentalize everything that enters into your mindspace, key ideas often get overlooked.

So, here’s the secret: Don’t be afraid to bookmark. If someone’s question is (currently) unanswerable, try one of the following responses:

o “Great question! And you know, I have absolutely NO idea. So, let me think about that for a while. Can I email my answer to you by the end of the day?”

o “I would need to know more information about (x) to make an informed decision. If I went and did some research, when would be a good time to get back to you with my answer?”

o “I’m not sure. And because I’d rather not answer at all than try to answer poorly, would it be cool we continued this conversation after I’ve had some time to think about your important question?”

These types of responses reveal your imperfect humanity. They demonstrate honesty and a willingness to learn. Most importantly, they honor, affirm and respect the question AND the questioner. This assures two things: (1) You will have enough time and resources to find the best answer, and (2) People will come back to you with questions in the future.

Are you daring to be dumm?
Are you fitting people’s unique needs or trying to prescribe them a packaged answer?
And do you possess enough self-control to NOT answer a question until you’re ready?

2. Be an imperfectionist. Your employees, students, members (or whomever you want to perceive you as being askable) need to experience your vulnerability. Your imperfect humanness. Your occasional wrongness. See, two of the leading reasons people DON’T ask questions is because (1) they don’t want to look stupid, and (2) they don’t want to appear in need of help.

By being an imperfectionist yourself, you provide people with a safe place to be vulnerable. And that’s what gives them permission to start asking the REAL questions. Otherwise, you come off as too perfect or too smart or “too” whatever. Then people think you’re either annoying or lying. And the problem with that is, if people are too busy silently questioning your character, there won’t be any time left for them to verbally question key issues.

How imperfect are you willing to be?
How are you leveraging your vulnerability to earn people’s trust?
And how many questions were never asked because people perceived you as being “too”?

3. Make questioners feel essential. People also choose not to ask questions because they’re afraid of feeling stupid or rejected. So, immediately compliment someone’s question with affirmations like, “Now THAT’S a great question!” or “Wow, I’ve never heard that question before…” or, “You know, Paula, that’s a really important question. Can you repeat it again – slowly – so I can write it down and give it the though it deserves?”

It’s beyond making people feel valued, important, special and loved. It’s about making them feel essential. Like you couldn’t do without them.

How do people experience you?
Whose essence are you honoring?
And how do people experience themselves when they’re with you?

4. Make passion palpable. Not about the answer, necessarily, but passionate about the idea of answering the person, himself. After all, answers are overrated. What’s more important is the search. What the answer points to. And what the process of discovery helps the other person become.

Askable people are excitable people. They love questions, they revel in curiosity and they value strategic thinking. Do that, BE that, and your positive emotions will instantly transfer to the asker.

Are you passionate about questions?
How are you transferring your love to others?
And discovery process are you leading people through?

5. Practice psychological safety. Another reason people shrink from asking questions is because they fear that their questions (and the answers TO those questions) will later be revealed publicly. That’s why comfort, safety and in many cases, confidentiality, is HUGE for being askable.

My suggestion is to build a Question Box. Not a Suggestion box, a Question Box. This keeps it informal, anonymous and organized.

How psychologically safe do people feel around you?
What fears about questioning are your people plagued by?
And how could you introduce anonymity into the conservation?

6. Be willing to share information. Which means you can’t maintain a monopoly on information. Knowledge hoarders are company hurters. Don’t come across as someone who has a sense of scarcity. Share LOTS of relevant answers without the fear that it would reduce your perceived value.

What did you write today?
Whom did you share it with?
And what secrets are you afraid to tell?

7. Advice is the enemy. People don’t want advice. They want feedback. They want answers. They want you to listen. Besides: Advice creates defensiveness. And it’s rarely followed because it’s usually delivered from an assumed position of superiority.

Make sure NOT to say, “Can I give you some advice?” or the dreaded, “Here’s a friendly piece of advice…” This immediately lowers your askability. Instead, ask your people, “How do you want to be listened to?” or “Do you want me to just listen to what you have to say or do you want my input?”

Are you a disrespectful dispenser of advice?
What type of information do you tend to answer with?
And how could you respond to people’s questions in a way that levels the playing field?

8. Become perceived as a problem solver. That means be a resource for people. For example, the aforementioned Arthur, my mentor, never fails to live this strategy. Whenever I approach him with a question, he always concludes his answer by whipping out his Blackberry and saying, “Here, I want you to write this down.”

And, Arthur will help you populate a list – right then and there – of the people you need to connect with. Or books you need to read. Or websites you need to visit. Problem solved!

What resources do you offer people?
When you don’t know the answer, where do you send your asker?
And wouldn’t be great if everyone who asked you questions could walk away with tangible resources to get more answers?

9. Help people process their answer. Finally, once you’ve given people your answer, try this: Pause. Sit quiet. Build space into the conversation so your words can profoundly penetrate people. Then, help them process by answering any follow-up questions, silly as they may sound.

Also, if you’re taking notes, consider emailing those ideas to your Asker later on that day. This might help them visualize the conversation so they can more effectively find solutions.

Are an idea midwife?
How are you helping the answering process?
And how often is it the OTHER person that discovers the solution?

10. Thank the asker. After a conversation in which people DID ask you questions, follow up via email, text, handwritten letter, etc., with an expression of gratitude. Thank people for courageously asking. Thank people for their specific questions.

And thank people for honoring you with their openness. This lays a foundation of affirmation AND subtlely reminds people that they can comfortable and confidently return to you with questions in the future.

Do you thank people for their questions?
Do you send people emails with the notes you took?
And what would happen to your askability if you combined it with affirmation and gratitude?

REMEMBER: If you want people to ask you for help, you’ve got to make yourself more askable.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How are you increasing your askability?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “37 Personal Leadership Questions Guaranteed to Shake Your Soul,” send an email to me, and you win the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Never the same speech twice.
Always about approachability.

Watch The Nametag Guy in action here!

When you walk out of a room, how does it change?

Five words that will change your business forever:

“Who was that masked man?”

Name that show!

Of course: The Lone Ranger. Even a Gen-Xer like me knows that.

And just imagine. Wouldn’t it be cool if customers said something like that after YOU left?

Curiosity. Intrigue. Fascination. Amazement.

That’s what those five words represent. The Lone Ranger was so cool, so unforgettable, and so distinctive that when he left, people wanted more.

SO, HERE’S THE BIG QUESTION: When you walk out of a room, how does it change?

HERE’S THE SECRET: Whatever change occurs to the room is a tangible representation of how your character, actions, words, reputation and personality have been experienced by the people around you.

The following list explores several possibilities of how a room might change when you walk out of it. As you explore these examples, ask yourself which of them best applies to you, or which ones you’d LIKE to apply to you:

1. When you walk out of a room, are people genuinely sad to see you go? In a 2009 Daily Show interview with Michael J. Fox, Jon Stewart wrapped the conversation up with the following compliment, “Michael, when you walk into a room, everybody feels better.” Wow. Sure is inspiring to see someone have that kind of affect on people. And I imagine that if YOU did, your career would surely skyrocket.

Unfortunately, some individuals are the opposite: Everybody feels better when they walk OUT of a room. And the silent dialogue becomes, “I’m so glad she finally left,” “I thought she’d NEVER leave!” or, worst of all, “Thank God that guy’s gone. Now we can relax.”

This is not good. If your leaving the room results in people’s postures relaxing as they breathe a hefty sigh of relief, you’re doing something wrong. If your leaving the room allows people to (finally) resume their conversations, you’re doing something wrong. Do you bring drama or peace into people’s lives?

2. When you walk out of a room, does the population of that room decrease? That’s the epitome of leadership: People want to walk out of the room and follow you, even if they have no idea where you’re going. That’s also a surefire sign of presence: People just assume go home now that you’ve left the party.

Because you’re inspiring. Because you’re trustworthy. Because you’re fun to talk to. And because you’re followable. I wonder what you would have to think, say, do or BE differently in order to make that happen. How are you leaving an imprint on everyone you meet?

3. When you walk out of a room, does the temperature go up five degrees? This reminds me of SNL’s Debbie Downer, brilliantly played by Rachel Dratch. Her cynical character’s sole purpose was to interrupt social gatherings to voice negative opinions and pronouncements. She immediately sucked the energy level out of the room like a Hoover vacuum. And ever time she did so; the classic “Wa-Wa” trumpet sound effect would play.

Are you like that? Someone who persistently adds bad news or negative feelings to a gathering, thus bringing down the mood of everyone around you? I hope not. Because Debbie Downers are avoided like the plague. And when they walk out of a room, people are GLAD to see them go. Because negatively rarely looks good on anybody. What is the temperature of your presence?

4. When you walk out of a room, do people ask about you? This brings us back to The Lone Ranger. His departure stimulated curiosity, intrigue, fascination and amazement. Now, obviously you can’t expect to achieve such memorable presence every time you leave a room. What you CAN do is increase the probability of people asking about you by practicing tenets of approachability.

First: Be The Observed, not The Observer.
Second: Create Points of Dissonance.
Third: Position yourself as a resource.
And fourth: Build Name Equity.

No silver bullets, horses or sidekicks necessary. Are you buzz-worthy?

5. When you walk out of a room, does it get quieter? Meet my friend Neen James. She’s a productivity consultant, originally from Australia. And while it’s hard to explain in writing, she has the most contagious, smile-inducing laugh you’ll ever hear. She’s also the type of person who can find humor in anything.

So, when you’re hanging out with her, you get to hear that famous laugh A LOT. Which, in turn, makes you laugh more. Which makes her laugh more. Which makes you laugh more. And the endless cycle of fun begins. Combine that with Neen’s optimistic, no-worries attitude and upbeat energy, when SHE walks out of the room, the volume goes from eleven to six. Like clockwork. Which makes sense, since she IS a productivity consultant. How fun are you pereceived as being?

6. When you walk out of a room, how do you leave people? Maybe people start taking action. This means you were inspiring, interesting and actionable. Maybe people swim in mutual confusion of having no idea what the hell you just said. This means you need to speak with more Meaningful Concrete Immediacy.

Or, maybe people spring to life. This means you spoke in a passionate, challenging and empowering manner. The choice is yours. How do you leave people?

7. When you walk out of a room, are new people connected that otherwise wouldn’t have met? Networkers work the room. They deal their deck of business cards to everyone they encounter in a superficial, flaky, campaign-trail way. They’re spotted from a mile away and reek of the stench of self-centered overexertion.

Connectors, on the other hand, help the room work itself. They find people that need to meet, use accomplishment-based introductions, and then get the heck out of the way. But here’s the catch: They can only be spotted from up close. Because that’s the nature of their relationships: Close. That’s how people are draw to them: Close. Are you networking or connecting?

8. When you walk out of a room, does your spirit remain? Lastly, this suggests you don’t just want people to remember you, but to be positively influenced BY you. “Noticeable in your absence,” as I like to say. And the ideal situation is, people will start to patiently and excitedly wait until they are given the privilege of being blessed with your presence again.

Not because you’re always perfect. Not because you’re always in performance mode. Rather, because you always make people feel essential by helping them fall in love with themselves. How do YOU leave people?

REMEMBER: If your presence makes a difference, your absence will make a difference too.

Ultimately, it’s not about being the life of the party – it’s about bringing other people TO life AT the party.

It’s about leaving behind a silver bullet trail of uncracked character that makes people wonder, “Who was that masked man?”

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
When you walk out of a room, how does it change?

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
For the list called, “19 Ways to be the ONE Person at Your Next Conference Everybody Remembers,” send an email to me, and you win the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Need to build your Thought Leadership Platform?

Perhaps my monthly (or yearly) coaching program would help.

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What is affecting your ability to be taken seriously?

I know this guy named Dalton.

I wouldn’t say we’re friends, but we’ve met a few times. We tend to speak at some of the same conferences. And I happen to think he’s pretty good, even though his style is much different than my own.

Still, I’ll never forget the day when I overheard one of his audience members tell her friend, “You know, with that mullet, I’ve always had a hard time taking Dalton seriously.”

Wow.

What about YOU? What is affecting YOUR ability to be taken seriously?

Consider these six questions to make sure people don’t tune you out:

1. What causes YOU to (not) take someone seriously? Here’s a revealing exercise you might noodle with: (1) Make a list of three people you’ve never taken seriously, (2) Write down what, specifically, causes you to feel that way, and (3) Ask yourself if you embody any of those attributes.

Your lack of self-awareness may startle you. As Ken Shelton, founder and editor of Executive Excellence Magazine said, “With a little self-deception, we might believe that we are number one when in fact we’re not even on the charts.”

REMEMBER: Self-awareness creates options.

2. How might you be accidentally diminishing the perception of your expertise? My pal Robert Bradford, founder of The Center for Simplified Strategic Planning, once told me that every time you add a comma to the description of what you do, you suck a little bit more.

What about you? Are you positioning yourself as an expert in seventeen different areas? Are you spreading yourself too thin? Maybe people would take you more seriously if you picked a lane.

REMEMBER: Periods, not commas.

3. What’s your system for keeping yourself constantly relevant? Your customers, audience members, listeners and readers want to know what you’ve done for them lately. They want to know what you learned yesterday.

Your challenge is to create a game plan that keeps new wisdom coming through a revolving door. For example, I read five books a week. That’s one of the (many) ways I stay relevant.

REMEMBER: If you’re not current, you’re not credible.

4. What are you unconsciously doing that’s marring your credibility? The word “credibility” comes from the Latin creditum, which means, “a loan, thing entrusted to another.” That’s interesting. Credibility is on loan. Which means your credibility might take years to assemble, but only seconds to annihilate.

I’d spend some time thinking about situations in which your perception of other people’s credibility diminished. Then ask yourself if you’re mirroring any such behaviors in your own world.

REMEMBER: Credibility diminishes quickly.

5. How unquestionable is your knowledge base? When it comes to your area of expertise, you need to be able to talk forever. Period. In order to make that happen, my first suggestion is to make sure that everything you know is written down somewhere. Everything.

After all, if you don’t write it down – it never happened. Plus, when you write it down, you make it sound. My second suggestion is that you read 500 books about your topic. Simple as that. Thirdly, constantly search for and dissect new dimensions to your area of expertise. This enables you to answer any question, any time, about any area of your subject.

REMEMBER: Experts charge more.

6. What are you doing, saying or being that’s making you unlistenable? I’ve written extensively on the topic of being a listenable leader and becoming the most listenable person you know. And here’s what I’ve learned: Listenable people are taken seriously. Period.

So, here’s a rapid list of practices for doubling your listenability: Listen first. Pamper the short-term memory. Be funny early and often. Articulate strategy and ideas in plain language. Create a zone of respect around you without being overbearing. When it’s a technical matter, (still) speak English. Communicate reasons for changes and decisions. And of course, always speak with MCI, or Meaningful Concrete Immediacy.

REMEMBER: Listenable people are listened to.

In summary, let’s look to Google for a final picture of what it looks like when people don’t take you seriously. I did several searches on the following phrase: “I can’t take her/him/them seriously because…”

The results were astounding. And as you read them, I challenge you to think one last time about what might be causing people to not take YOU seriously:

“I can’t take her/him/them seriously because…”

o “…They can’t walk their talk.” Is your integrity in tact?
o “…He tries too hard to be evil.” Are you overexerting?
o “…There’s nothing real here at stake.” Are you relevant?
o “…I’m so used to them another way.” Are you a chameleon?
o “…I feel she’s too preachy these days.” Are you Billy Graham?
o “…They don’t take their work seriously.” Are you serious enough?
o “…They taken themselves TOO seriously.” Are you self-important?
o “…They change their minds about everything.” Are you wishy-washy?
o “…We are too busy laughing at their stupidity.” Are you an idiot?
o “…They are so obviously just seeking attention.” Are you waiting to be noticed?

“I can’t take her/him/them seriously because…”

o “…She, herself, has done worse things than me.” Are you a poor role model?
o “…She looks like a guest on the Jerry Springer show.” Are you dressed professionally?
o “…80% of the pictures out there of her have her in a bikini.” What happens when someone does a Google image search on your name?
o “…All of the effects and style is so old-fashioned looking to me.” Are you a dinosaur?
o “…When I listen to her try to make her points, I feel like I’m watching a PTA meeting.” Are you boring?
o “…If they were half as smart as they claimed, they’d be able to make their points or get rich without having to hurt people.” Are you compensating?
o “…It’s just shtick, and when she actually says, “No, I’m dead serious,” we still can’t take her seriously because that too is just more shtick.” Do you have substance to support your shtick?
o “…They give me powdered creamers or tiny plastic cream packets soaking in a tub of what used to be ice that’s now melted into grey, dirty water that people have been dipping their dirty hands in.” Are you gross?

REMEMBER: People won’t take you seriously if they’re too busy questioning you.

Especially if you have a mullet.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What is affecting your ability to be taken seriously?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “37 Personal Leadership Questions Guaranteed to Shake Your Soul,” send an email to me, and you win the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Never the same speech twice.
Always about approachability.

Watch The Nametag Guy in action here!

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Tag: how to be taken seriously

How to Show Up without Showing Off

10 Ways to Enable Employees to Ask You for Help

When you walk out of a room, how does it change?

What is affecting your ability to be taken seriously?