Produce a heightened enough emotional state to imprint

If you want to signal loyalty, affinity, closeness and camaraderie for your family or team, here are my recommendations.

Number one, listen loudly. Pay attention during conversations, phone calls, video chats and other communications.

What specific language do your colleagues always use? Which acronyms or phrases are repeated most often? Are there any references that regularly sneak their way into people’s emails and chat messages?

If you spot a recurring catchphrase, take note. Inside jokes have a way of unveiling themselves as soon as you invest the intention and attention to look for them.

I used to work for a fast growing tech startup that hired dozens of people every month. Part of my job on the marketing team was to create and deliver a monthly values onboarding session with new team members.

As our head of content, I was essentially the company archivist, so I was the owner of the official record of all the memes, catchphrases, secret message, callbacks and running gag at the organization. Sharing that list with our recently hired employees was a blast, because the jokes weren’t funny to them yet.

But their instructions were to be on the lookout for these private references, as it would only be a matter of time before they understood why they were worth laughing at.

My second recommendation for shibboleth management is, record regularly.

As you come across different inside jokes, go out of your way to make a note. Even if it’s a simple document with a running list, it’s a meaningful asset to have. If only for your own reference and enjoyment.

My wife and I have more inside jokes than we can possibly count, but we’re diligent about keeping records. Both of us have our respective reference tools for doing so, and every once in a while, we will whip out those artifacts to remind ourselves of just how ridiculous of a team we really.

There’s an indescribable joy and pride of sitting down on the couch with someone you love and reading a list of all the absurd words and games and stories and jokes that only the two of you find funny. It really reinforces how far you’ve come, how deep you’ve grown, and how much you’ve built together.

Marriage therapists should be using this as an exercise with every couple they counsel. Assigning people to create their couple’s bingo card could have a profound impact on their lives. Maybe these people lost their spark after a being married for a decade, and need a nostalgia shot in the arm to reignite the flame.

Or perhaps the couple never had a spark in the first place, and the bingo card would reveal two individuals who have little in common and should no longer be together.

Now that you’re listening loudly and recording regularly, my final recommendation is to add often.

This last step is the most important. Because the nature of inside jokes is, they evolve over time. New ones often emerge as the group evolves. And in fact, you can be proactive in making those affective events happen.

Remember, great stories don’t happen by accident. You have to intentionally create a remarkable moment, otherwise it won’t produce a heightened enough emotional state to imprinted onto people’s memories and turn into an inside joke.

I once had a boss who was very generous about hosting company sponsored events. But his only caveat was, having a good time was not enough. We had to actually create new memories. If all we did was buy a bunch of booze and sit around the office shooting the shit during happy hour, that didn’t count.

We had to create conditions conducive to real neural activity. Building electric networks that altered the brain’s shape. Like volunteering at the local soup kitchen. That was hard work, but it was a more memorable use of our time together.

The return on experience was much higher that sitting around the office getting drunk, since everyone walked away from that service experience with a set of references and stories we could call back in the future.

In the end, whether it’s your relatives, your significant other, or your coworkers, those affective events matter. The accumulation of those moments lead to healthy outcomes of more enduring relationships.

The more affective events we can experience, the more we will improve our mood, and the greater sense of happiness and contentment we will ultimately in our lives.

I guess you had to be there.