Nobody can guess the truth about our desires

June 07, 2018 11:21 AM

The hard part about
asking for what we need is, we must first be aware of what our needs actually
are.

And before that, we must believe that we are entitled to express those
needs.

And even before that, we must
accept ourselves as people who even have needs in the first place.

Such a
complicated issue. Especially when your personality style is conflict avoidant
and peace making and people pleasing. You almost have to train yourself to
accept that asking for what you need isn’t shameful, demanding and
manipulative.

The practice for me has been habit replacement. Instead of
engaging in my typical passive aggressive communication like dropping hints,
making suggestions, offering bribes, cracking jokes, keeping score, speaking
wistfully or staying silent, I’m learning to give voice to what I need.

Clearly, directly, specifically and frequently.

Because nobody can guess the
truth about my desires. Mind reading may be a cool stage trick, but it’s an
unreasonable expectation when it comes to our relationships.

It’s like the
movie with the married couple sitting in bed reading. The wife says:

Don’t lie
there and pretend you’re not thinking the same thing as me.

To which the
husband says:

Fine, tell me what you’re thinking so I can know what’s supposed
to be on my mind.

The point is, even if asking for what we need causes a
momentary strain, it still moves our relationships forward.

Asking people
for what we need is a key part of taking care of and responsibility for ourselves.

Don’t suck it up and tough it out and keep the peace.

Allow the people you care
about to best care for you.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…

What are you missing out on by not asking what you need?

* * * *

Scott Ginsberg