Our arms spread wide and welcome it all

Years ago, one of our new employees told us that he didn’t feel welcomed during his first week at our company.

Despite his office orientation and a few friendly faces checking in to see how he was carrying on, most of the team was heads down in their typical day to day, and he was feeling disconnected from the group.

This tension is common at organizations. It’s personally happened to me at a number of jobs, and it’s hard not to take it personally. It’s also hard not to blame it on the company for being cold and inhospitable.

But before jumping to any conclusions, there are a few things worth thinking about.

First, whatever interpersonal issue people are dealing with, it’s always helpful to assume that it’s a vestige of a long evolutionary process. Some ancient safety device in their reptilian brain is at work trying to protect the nest and aid the group in their survival.

Green writes about this in his book on the laws of human nature. He explains that the deep suspicion we tend to feel toward outsiders to our group, and our need to demonize them, evolved among our earliest ancestors because of the tremendous dangers of infectious diseases and the aggressive intentions of rival hunter gatherers.

And this social force is neither positive nor negative. It’s simply a physiological part of our nature. If we can wrap our caveman brains around that reality, our feelings of disconnection will be much easier to manage.

The second thing worth thinking about it is, belonging is a street that goes both ways. When you work at an organization whose cultural temperature tends to the colder side, then you have to go out of your way to bring the warm.

If you aren’t feeling welcomed, then you have to welcome yourself.

You can’t just sit back and wait for people to be friends with you. Otherwise the experience of belonging will be left to chance, and you will perpetuate you own disconnection.

Take it from the guy who was so lonely in college that he resorted to wearing a nametag every day, just to make friends. Welcoming yourself takes work to work, even if people are weirded out by it at first.

Reminds me of my favorite fiction author, who depicts belonging in a most beautiful way:

Belonging is being securely and deeply connected to it all, like a fiber in the cloth, that’s what counts. Belonging is the opposite of thinking that, wherever we are, we would be better off somewhere else. This primal and sacred experience is available to us all, even in an otherwise cold and corporate environment.

But we must have compassion for the evolutionary context in which we exist, and modify our behavior accordingly.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How might you be able to welcome yourself?