Under what circumstances would this make perfect sense?

A coworker of mine once listed me as a reference for a potential job offer.

It was an honor to be asked, so I was happy to vouch for his talents. During the call with the hiring manager from his potential employer, there was one question that stood out to me:

How well would you say he manages emotions?

It made me laugh, since the candidate in question was fresh out of college. My response to the woman was:

Well, my coworker is in his early twenties. How emotionally mature were you at that age?

She laughed along with me. Because anyone of a certain age will tell you, most people’s brain development will continue into their mid twenties, at the earliest. Possibly not even until their thirties.

Hell, it took me at least until age thirty to be able to name and claim my feelings, much less tame and reframe them. And that process still hard for me. Feelings are complicated and difficult things and it would be much easier not to have them.

However, if your job is to assess people, then you will need to have compassion, forgiveness and acceptance of where they are along their life journey. Otherwise their behavior will continue to fluster and overwhelm you.

Seriously? Working until ten every night? Are you nuts?

No, they’re not nuts, they’re just young. Like you used to be. I’ve mentored dozens of young interns at various companies, and all of them have acted in ways that were immoral, immature and ignorant.

But we can’t hold that against them. They’re old enough to know better, and too young to care. And that’s okay. All of us were. Some of us still are.

But part of our work as leaders is allowing for the possibility that lack of brain development is at play, and to manage our own emotions accordingly.

My favorite question to ask myself in these moments is the following:

How is it possible that this person could think or behave in this way, and under what circumstances would it make perfect sense to do so?

It’s one of those questions that doesn’t even need an answer. By virtue of asking it, you’re already training yourself to find the fundamental human experience behind the person’s behavior that appears so confusing.

It’s true that everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about, but it’s also true that many are fighting a battle we know a lot about. The painful and confusing journey of growing up.

Next time you see someone smiling with the blazing vigor of youth, remember what it was like when the world was still in front of you, and treat them with compassion.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Is there any negativity that forgiveness does not transform?