There is no supposed to be, there is only what is

Most of us are looking at some part of our life and saying, this isn’t where that’s supposed to be. It’s a disheartening moment that comes for us all.

Whether it’s our relationship, our career, our health, whatever, nothing cuts us deeper than the aching distance between expectation and reality.

But we need to understand, this is not a failure of our life, it’s a failure of our language. Because regardless of where we find ourselves, there is no supposed to be, there is only what is.

One favorite movie of mine comes to mind, about a day in the life of two geeky convenience store clerks. Sick of hearing his best friend complain about how things didn’t turn out the way he thought, here’s what he says:

You have this inability to improve your situation in life. You sit there and blame life for dealing a cruddy hand, never once accepting the responsibility for the way your situation is. If you hate this job and the people, and the fact that you have to come in on your day off, then quit. There are other jobs, and they pay better money. You’re bound to be qualified for at least one of them. What’s stopping you? But you’re comfortable. This is a life of convenience for you, and any attempt to change that would shatter the pathetic microcosm you’ve fashioned for yourself. I’m satisfied with my situation, and you don’t hear me bitching. You, on the other hand, have been bitching all day.

We should all be so lucky to have a friend like that. Someone who will lovingly tell is that there is no supposed to be, there is only what is, and if we don’t like it, then we have the power to change it.

Think of it as a public service. Living a fulfilling life contributes to the general state of human happiness. By creating satisfaction for ourselves, we help increase the net flourishing of vitality in the world. It’s not like we have to achieve the mood disorder of constant and impenetrable happiness, but as citizens of the world, we owe it not only to ourselves, but to others, particularly our loved ones, to work on our happiness. It’s one of the highest forms of generosity.

Neruda wrote in his famous poem, you are the result of yourself. That always resonated with me as a rallying cry for taking responsibility for our own fulfillment. Because rather than benchmarking happiness by other people’s definitions, we can actually forge our own path.

It all depends on the way we talk to ourselves about ourselves. We have to use language that orients ourselves to reality, even if that reality doesn’t always cooperate with our dreams.

Next time you start bemoaning how a part of your life isn’t where it’s supposed to be, trust that your chance at happiness is not swiftly evaporating. Know that you have the power to turn it all around.

Think about which bad habits need to be replaced by healthier ones.

And use that tension to help catapult your life into its next chapter. 

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What story will restore you with the vigor you need to thrive in life?