The sudden motivation to restore your threatened freedom

Do you know somebody who hates being told what to do?

Neuroscience researchers explain this personality is called control averse. These people resent restrictions on their freedom of choice and are compelled to reassert this freedom.

A study even showed how certain brain regions were more strongly activated during people’s controlled decisions than their free decisions. And the reasoning was, people felt misunderstood and untrusted.

But hating being told what to do isn’t necessarily about loathing authority, or the inability to have a boss, although sometimes those preferences do apply. Control aversion is more connected to identity. Control averse people choose to do things only if they’re expressions of their core self. They’re moved by choosing freedom, not by following rules. They’re not going to do something just because people expect it of them. Screw that. People’s expectations are their problem.

Recently I woke up with a sweaty back and a racing heart. I had one of those control dreams that had escalated into a nightmare.

You ever had one of those?

Everything started out fine. I was scheduled to play a virtual concert for friends and family. Very thrilling to me. Performing music is one of the great joys of my life.

But as we got closer and closer to showtime, the whole thing went off the rails. All these strange musicians started showed up, people whom I had never played with before. Roadies were running around the stage setting up amplifiers, pedals and electronics that I didn’t ask for and didn’t know how to use. Set designers were hanging lights, building props and positioning cameras. The stage itself was shrinking in size, and I could feel my lungs constricting more and more.

One guy was even on the phone trying to sell advertising for the concert. Everybody was being oppressively helpful, telling me how amazing the show was going to look and sound, and it felt like the entire world was closing in around me.

I was either going to explode by yelling at everyone to shut the fuck up, or implode by running away and never coming back.

It’s a control averse person’s nightmare. Restrictions on freedom of choice. A sinking feeling of being misunderstood and untrusted.

Have you ever been in that situation? Where the world ignited your spirit of opposition and you felt compelled to reassert your freedom?

If so, it doesn’t make you crazy, it makes you human. Highly restrictive people and situations engender this type of psychological reactance, and it’s totally normal. Some of us are simply predisposed to this quality given our neurological wiring. Control averse people don’t like it when others hold sway over our decisions and actions, so we’re strongly inclined to rebel.

And so, next time you feel that deep and sudden motivation to restore your threatened freedom, go do what you have to do. Take a time out for yourself. Do some breathing exercises. Recite mantras to yourself that make you feel safe.

Or, if need be, pull the controlling party aside and help that person understand how their behavior makes you feel. If you have to send a strongly worded email to an overbearing person to set firm boundaries, have at it.

The goal here is to reconnect to your core identity and feel like yourself again.

And look, there’s no guarantee you’ll get complete control back. Most control is an illusion anyway.

But the assertion of your needs and values will make you feel proud and powerful, no matter what the result is.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How do you react when people make you feel misunderstood and untrusted?