1. Act overworked, annoyed and irrational. That way people will stop asking you so many damn questions.
2. Be pervasively unpredictable.
3. Cling to any available shred of power.
4. Completely ignore the self-interest of everyone but yourself.
5. Create an environment where people are afraid to ask questions.
6. Demonstrate complete and utter unwillingness to understand how other people experience you.
7. Exude a constant sense of scarcity by creating a monopoly on information.
8. Focus all of your efforts on keeping people “satisfied.”
9. Form your vocabulary around the following phrases:
Because I said so. Call back later. Do it anyway. I don’t know what to tell you. I’m off the clock; you’ll have to ask someone else. I’m on break. It’s not my fault. Just look on the website. My boss said I couldn’t. My shift is over. No. Not my problem.
That’s against the rules. That’s not my department. That’s not my job. That’s not our policy. That’s the way we’ve always done it. We don’t do that. Don’t bother me right now. Don’t bring me problems; bring me solutions. Here, you handle this problem. I’m busy. I don’t have time for you right now. I don’t want to hear it. I know it’s a holiday, but… I know it’s Saturday, but… I know it’s your day off, but…
In case a bus hits you, I want to make sure you and Karen are inter-changeable. My mind is made up. That is THEE stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. We’re replacing you with this robot… You don’t really feel that way. Your office chair didn’t show up so you’ll be sitting on orange crates for the next two weeks.
10. Give people the illusion that they participated in the decision.
11. Give your customers no reason to be proud to be your customers.
12. Give your employees no reason to be proud to be your employees.
13. Instant and incessant compartmentalization of everyone you meet.
14. Instead of digesting people’s information, think about how you are going to impress them with your next comment.
15. Instead of taking the time to understand things, try this: (1) get angry, and (2) create uninformed opinions based on those emotions.
16. Keep the constant river of bullshit flowing; yet refuse to acknowledge its existence.
17. Lead from a script and manage from a handbook.
18. Make it hard to complain.
19. Monopolize everything but the listening.
20. Prohibit any shred of playfulness.
21. Refuse to acknowledge, listen to or implement the ideas of ANYONE born after 1980.
22. Refuse to demonstrate any loyalty yourself.
23. Refuse to give people insight into how you operate.
24. Return calls slowly.
25. Return emails slowlier.
26. Say as much as possible without actually saying anything.
27. Sell price WAY before value.
28. Share your wisdom and advice at every possibly opportunity, especially when it’s not asked for.
29. Silently demand that people read your mind instead of actually telling them what you’re thinking.
30. When asked questions, immediately reach for ready-made replies and pre-packaged answers.
31. When customers are lined up outside your door, ready to buy, refuse to open your doors even a MINUTE early.
32. When customers are still browsing, ready to buy, refuse to close your doors even a MINUTE late.
33. When people become upset, immediately tell them to “calm down.”
34. When people tell you their problems, reflexively respond with the following five-word lie: “I understand how you feel.”
LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How are you making loyalty vanish?
LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “12 Ways to Out Service the Competition,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!
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That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
Watch The Nametag Guy in action here!