Just be like the sun

People don’t need information, they need affirmation.

Google can give them information to their heart’s content.

But only a living, breathing human being can sit down, listen to that person’s story, look them in the eye, and say something like, oh wow, that really sucks.

Or hey, you’re doing great, so keep it up.

Or, yeah, that’s amazing, I knew you could do it, way to go.

Affirmation really is a fundamental human need, like water, food, clothing and shelter.

And so, when people come to you, dance in that moment. Acknowledge their truth, reflect their immediate experience right back to them. Focus on making them feeling heard and giving them the necessary space they need to process their own experience.

It sounds a bit hippy dippy, but just be like the sun. A provider of encouragement and light who doesn’t do anything to solve the problem, but simply offers warmth, presence and love.

Because all human beings are attracted to warmth, both physical and emotional. They just want to know that they’re okay. They just want to know they’re not alone.

One question you might post on a sticky note by your desk is this.

How’s your information to affirmation ratio?

There’s no magic number here, but it’s an interesting formula to hold in your awareness when dealing with others.

I’ve had the chance to practice this skill in mentoring relationships at several of my jobs. My approach was always to keep the ratio on the side of affirmation at the start of a conversation with mentees. Trying to see how long I can go without a response.

Because more often than not, people have something on their mind very specific that they want to share. Part of my role as their mentor is to give them room to get that out of their system immediately.

It’s not like these are billable hours. There’s no meter running. I’m not their therapist, manager or life coach. Our sessions are voluntary. In an organization, people reach out to mentors when they need encouragement. It’s not like a performance review.

And so, sometimes that first response takes thirty seconds, sometimes ten minutes. But rarely has there been a mentoring conversation in my career in which the higher number of the ratio wasn’t affirmation.

My mentors always treated me this way when I was younger, and it’s important for me to pay that permission forward. If they want information, there’s a search engine that can do that work for them.

It reminds me of a brilliant sign in the lobby of one of my favorite yoga studios. It read the following.

We highly discourage any and all electronic sources of information, but highly encourage you using all the interpersonal resources at your disposal.

Remember, it costs nothing to encourage.

There’s no upside to not believing in people.

Check your information to affirmation ratio. 

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How do you leave people?