I’m Going To Kiss Your Ass So You Shut Up

“Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.” Sam Sheridan’s survival advice from Jay Mohr’s podcast. Love it. This mantra originates from the military. But since I’m not a trained killer, I like to apply it to other areas of my life. When I swipe my MetroCard, I recite this mantra to myself. The turnstile always complies. When I’m doing yoga postures, I recite this mantra to myself. The body always performs. When I’m in a rush, hastily bopping from one task to another, I recite this mantra to myself. The world always waits. Best micro practice I’ve learned in years.

“Every time we put something down, we pick something up.” Jay and Silent Bob discuss the addiction tradeoff. Got me thinking about my own fixing patterns. Take diet soda, for example. Delicious, but not especially good for me. So I made the decision to substitute it with sparkling water and lime. Also delicious, but without the slurry of chemicals. A few months later, I learned something about myself: I wasn’t addicted to the soda, I was addicted to the bubbles. Huge realization. Saved money, improved my health and helped me understand the nature of my cravings. It’s all about tricking your brain. 

“I’m going to kiss your ass so you shut up.” Dr. Drew suggests that our relationship conflicts are worth confronting. Reminds me of my high school sweetheart. She was totally hot, I was totally whipped––and I was so grateful to have a girlfriend that I avoided conflict at all cost. My teenage thinking was, “Why risk getting into a fight and possibly breaking up when I can just bury my feelings, pretend we don’t have any problems and get back to squeezing boobies?” Seemed intelligent at the time. Turns out, if everything is perfect, somebody isn’t being honest. That somebody was me. Lesson learned.

“Make art every day, but also support
your identity as an artist every day.”
 Eric Maisel’s books always do a stellar job of addressing the larger issues artists face. It’s more than just making art, it’s also about continuing your education as an artist, giving yourself permission to be an artist and confidently telling others you’re an artist. Every single day. At the same time, there’s a balance. Like the evangelists who always find a way to 
unnaturally sneak god into every conversation, we should all strive to be humans first and artists second. Otherwise talking to you just gets annoying.

“There’s no status in catching a fly
 Everyone wants to hit a homer. There’s more glory, more value and more press coverage. But the satisfaction of stepping out of the spotlight and watching your teammate make the crowd go wild is goddamn beautiful. As an entrepreneur, I spent twelve years in the spotlight. And I loved every minute of it. But I must say, it’s nice to finally be able to step back so other people can step up. Inspired by an interview with veteran pitcher Steve Hamilton.

“I keep hearing we’re boring from interesting poor people.” Possibly the greatest tweet I’ve ever read in my life. Brian Clark proves that there are more important goals in life than becoming the most interesting person on the Internet. Besides, just because you do things worth tweeting about doesn’t mean you’re happy. Or wealthy. Here’s to the pursuit of exquisite ordinariness.


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Author. Speaker. Strategist. Songwriter. Filmmaker. Inventor. Gameshow Host. World Record Holder. I also wear a nametag 24-7. Even to bed.
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