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Debotton’s philosophy research makes the crucial distinction between desire and need.  A desire is whatever you feel you want at the moment, but a need is for something that serves your long term wellbeing.  For example, our desire might be to consume our entire body weight in buffalo wings, but our need is to feel nourished. Our need is to create a foundation that sustains and supports and strengthens us in…

Hell isn’t other people, hell is comparing ourselves to them.  Any time we assign magical qualities to others, allow ourselves to become over impressed by people’s successes and idealize those who likely share the same mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses that we have, that’s hell.  Any time we use other people to gather evidence of our own inadequacy, shame ourselves for failing to meet their values and vandalize…

Humans love to create emergencies for themselves. It’s what helps make us feel big and important and dramatic.  But in a world where most people are trapped in the frantic scramble for position, prestige, profit and power, frankly, there’s nothing more soothing than encountering someone whose inner calm you can literally feel.  Everyone has someone like this in their lives. People who have settled down and found a measure…

And now for my favorite new joke: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Who says it’s dark?  If you didn’t laugh at that, then you’re not an optimist. And that’s okay. Because being optimist comes with an inherent blind spot.  You’re so optimistic that you believe everyone else is optimistic too.  But sadly, not everyone you meet elects and adopts your attitude. Not…

We can never assume other people are having the same experience that we are.  And we can never assume other people operate inside the same value systems as we do.  Doing so only leads to disconnection, tension and conflict in our relationships.  For example, certain cherished habits that we believe positively represent our character, like discipline, focus and ambition, may be negatively perceived by others as stubborn, obsessive and brown nosing. …

Campbell famously wrote that the more we mythologize and idealize the person we love, the more disillusioned and disheartened we grow as we come to know their imperfect humanity.  Interestingly enough, the same principle applies to our work.  Careers, not unlike intimate relationships, are this constant battle between romantic fantasy and disenchanting reality.  Take the newly hired employee. Once onboarding is finished and she’s settled into her new position…

When we feel the rumblings of dissatisfaction, stuck in the twilight zone of unfulfillment, trapped in the repetitive habit of escalating discontent, it’s important to remember something.  Boredom is the symptom, not the problem.  It only appears when broader meaning is absent.  Maisel’s research on natural psychology explains it as follows.  Boredom arises as a special, terrible problem for smart people. Because a smart person has a lively brain, that brain…

My favorite definition of surrender is letting go of trying to control what we never had control over in the first place.  It’s the most glorious relief known to man. Because once we courageously risk letting go of our own will, our mind no longer has to perform the acrobatics of rationalization and justification and expectation.  And we can just be. The pain ends and hope takes its place….

Seinfeld, the zen master of comedy, made a fascinating observation during a recent interview.  He said that he liked to explore things, but didn’t expect to enjoy them.  That’s no punchline. Imagine how fast the collective stress level of the world would drop if more of us learned to think that way. If we could finally release things from the obligation to make us feel better, we might have…

At the tail end of my career as an entrepreneur, business was slow. Very slow.  Any gig that came my way was a welcome reprieve from the anguish of sitting alone in my pajamas all day, trying to drum up new clients. The whole thing felt futile and pathetic.  A low point that stands out happened while driving down the highway on a beautiful, crisp, clear day in big sky…