Experience, observation, feeling and need

When somebody acts in a critical, difficult, unreasonable, judgmental or angry way, our immediate reaction might be to step back and think, whoa, what’s their problem?

But the more empathetic response would be to lean in and wonder, hmm, what’s their unmet need?

See, for most humans, the order of operations works the same.

Experience, observation, feeling and need.

There’s some event that the person observes, which makes them feel a certain way.

Underneath that feeling is a thing that they require because it’s essential or important to them.

And they would like to get that need met, in order to enrich their lives.

Experience, observation, feeling and need.

But the challenge is, the average person doesn’t know how they feel. Or what they need. Or how to make an effective request to get that need met.

Those skills are not simple, and they are not easy. Because most people’s relationship with their emotions is dysfunctional. Few are given the psychological tools to name, claim, tame and reframe their feelings at any given moment.

Now, this isn’t necessarily their fault. It’s simply not a priority in most people’s development.

What happens if someone acts in a critical, difficult, unreasonable, judgmental or angry way? How can we respond to them empathetically to move the story forward?