I’m not convinced your interpretation of me is accurate

In most professional relationships, whether it’s doctor patient, boss employee, interviewer interviewee, therapist client, teacher student or coach player, there are always going to be power dynamics and knowledge gaps.

And these imbalances can make it difficult for us to challenge the advice and instruction of the person in the authority position. Resisting makes us feel guilty, impolite or ungrateful.

Especially if there is an investment of time or money. And especially if we have pleasing, approval seeking, conflict avoidant, passive aggressive personalities.

Part of us gets scared of being a bad customer. Nobody wants to be the one labeled as difficult or resistant or high maintenance.

But setting healthy boundaries trumps all of that. The ability to discern what’s ours and what’s theirs is among the most important weapons in our arsenal. Marking where we end and someone else begins is the least taught interpersonal skill this world, so it’s our responsibility to build that muscle on our own.

I remember receiving my performance evaluation one year. My boss reviewed all the scores one by one. As always, his criticism was professional and compassionate. I listened closely to his feedback.

But about halfway through our chat, I thought to myself, wow, this is completely off base. I’m by no means not a perfect employee and have areas to work on, but there is simply no way these scores accurately reflect my performance in the past six months.

Usually I would nod and take notes, say thanks, end the conversation as quickly as possible and go get back to work.

But not this time. Something felt off. And I told my boss, I’m sorry, but don’t agree with this assessment at all. I’m not convinced your interpretation of my work is accurate.

He asked if I could expand, so I started providing evidence, not excuses but evidence, that clearly disproved his low numbers for my performance. I pulled out my shipping log, which is the accounting ledger of my personal creative contributions to the team, to support my position, and reviewed every line item.

After about fifteen minutes, he looked up and said, okay, let me go talk to the leadership team about revisiting this evaluation. Give me a few days and I’ll get back to you.

Now, I would love to say that my boss came back later that week with a huge apology, offered me promotion and never questioned my value again.

Sadly, this isn’t a sitcom. Life is rarely as cinematic as we’d like to it be. In fact, our conversation kind of fizzled after that. There was never any final verdict on who was wrong or right.

But that doesn’t matter. Because it all goes back to one question.

What would it cost you not to stand up for your boundaries here?

That’s a question everyone can learn to ask ourselves in these situations. If you have an authority figure in your life right now whose opinions you want to question, here are several pieces of perspective for you.

*Just because a therapist keeps insisting that you’re resisting, doesn’t mean they’re right. It may be a remark based on incomplete information.

*Just because you don’t accept your coach’s interpretation of your life, doesn’t mean you’re in denial. It’s possible that it’s a blind spot and they’re speculating about your situation.

*Just because somebody has advanced degrees, a huge client list and you pay them by the hour, doesn’t mean they’re final authority on what is the best way to approach your problem. Perhaps their feedback is the beginning of your healing journey, not the end of it.

*Just because a therapist’s official diagnosis doesn’t track with your true inner experience, isn’t further proof that you need their help. Maybe they’re totally off base with their assessment.

*Just because you make an important life decision on your own without consulting your support group doesn’t mean you’re rejecting intimacy. It may mean you’ve grown secure enough in your own identity that you don’t need a second opinion.

Ultimately, setting healthy boundaries is about accepting the fact that you don’t need people to believe the same kinds of things that you believe.

Feedback, from the right person at the right time, that actually tracks with your experience of yourself, can be priceless.

But just because there’s a power imbalance doesn’t mean the stronger person is right.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What would it cost you not to stand up for your boundaries here?