You’re not a bad person for misplacing your car

Heartland’s popular forgiveness scale says that over course of our lives, negative things may occur because of three factors.

Our own actions, the actions of others, or circumstances beyond our control.

And if you take the quiz, you’ll notice that the questions address the degree to which you have negative thoughts or feelings after the events happen.

That’s a critical distinction. Because with the exception of sociopaths, everyone feels badly at first when they mess up.

But the real question is, can we give ourselves some slack during the aftermath? Can we accept that things go wrong for reasons that can’t be controlled, or will we get stuck in negative thoughts about ourselves, others and the world?

This is a very hard skill to learn that takes years of practice to get good at it. In fact, we’re never really done with forgiveness. As long as we’re breathing, life will continue to disappoint us. And some of us will beat the shit out of ourselves for it, while others make peace with bad situations and move past them.

Makes me think of my dream from last night:

A group of us were lost in a parking lot, trying to find my car. It was right here a minute ago, I told my friends, but now it was gone. Nowhere in sight. Part of me felt foolish for misplacing something so huge, and part of me felt guilty for wasting everyone’s time looking for it, including my own. By the time I woke up, those feelings of foolishness and guilt still coursed through my veins.

And I had to remind myself, it’s okay, it was just a dream, you’re not a bad person for misplacing your car.

This is the kind of accepting conversation we have to have with ourselves in order to forgive. Because holding grudges against ourselves for negative things we’ve done is only going to make us more anxious. Criticizing ourselves for negative things we’ve felt, thought or said is only going to compound whatever pain we already have.

That’s the benefit of forgiveness nobody is talking about. The process of letting go, of self, of other, of the world, loosens anxiety’s grip on our mind.

Multiple studies have shown that forgiveness is correlated positively with cognitive flexibility, positive affect and psychological wellbeing. And so, as hard as it is for us to accept negative situations that aren’t anybody’s fault, it might be our best path towards genuine inner calm.

Let us all learn to accept that we are humans who have complicated feelings and reactions that we are responsible for but cannot always control.

Let us learn to see ourselves as good people, even though we have hurt ourselves in the past.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Have you ever reflected on how a lack of forgiveness might be keeping you stuck?