The first question we have to ask is whether or not this decision is even worth making.

Because it may not be. The act of deciding may take too much time and burn too many resources, the results of which won’t offset the opportunity cost of getting where we are going. Training yourself to become binary about decisions early and often can be a massive anxiety reducer.

However, if we discover that a decision is necessary, then there’s another question worth asking.

If we made a mistake, could we reverse our decision easily?

Highly likely. Very few decisions we make have a no refund policy. Certain ones may require significant work to back out of, but we’re rarely as trapped as we think we are.

Freshman year of college comes to mind. Here was my path.

Applied to three schools, got accepted into two, took a visit to one, then decided to register for classes at the end of the weekend.

Sadly, that particular path turned out to be the wrong one for me. That school was way too big for my liking. Which flooded my heart with feelings of frustration, guilt, regret and confusion.

But then again, over one third of college students change schools at least once in the college career, and among those, nearly half change institutions more than once. My parents reminded me that it wasn’t the end of the world and being happy was more important than being consistent.

By second semester, the transfer process had officially begun. By fall, classes had started at a newer, smaller school. And since most of the students had been there for a year and already had their friend groups, wearing a nametag was my way of sticking myself out there, finding my community and making the most out my college experience.

Guess that path worked out.

The lesson is, for the sake of our time and our sanity, it may be better to make the wrong decision, learn our lesson and quickly reverse, than to waste a ton of time making the perfect decision slowly.

Carlin addresses this concept in her touching book about growing up ass the daughter of the greatest comedian in history:

To understand what it is you really want, you must first choose a path. It rarely works the other way around. You need to live a little, so you can know what’s working or not. And then, if need be, you can change course.

Deciding is a tricky thing, no doubt.

But our seeming need to choose among many paths can paralyze us.

At a certain point contemplation must become action. 

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How skilled are you at distinguishing between necessary and unnecessary decisions?

Being part of a tribe satisfies our most primal urge to belong.

The idea of joining this group of people who, if we went away would miss us, is a deep and ancient human dream that is worth pursuing.

Human tribalism, on the other hand, is really terrible idea. Our preliterate humanity can make us do some pretty awful things to each other, and so, we have a responsibility to use the more evolved parts of our brains to overcome those judgmental urges with compassion.

Particularly when it comes to sick people. Because our impulse is to label them as crazy, evil and wrong. And to isolate those people, otherwise their stank will contaminate us and negatively affect morale.

But what we really need in this situation is to flood our hearts with wonder and humility.

For the first part, we can wonder to ourselves what that person’s contextual situation might be. All it takes a little imagination. If there’s a shirtless, mentally unstable person panhandling on the subway, we don’t have to empty our wallets and become his bestie. What we might do is imagine that the guy’s current condition is echo of untreated mental illness stemming from years of trauma or neglect, over which there was very little control on his part.

That’s wonder, and it doesn’t cost us anything.

For the second part, shifting from wonder to humility, we can use what my fellow philosopher friend calls the three most important words of compassion. Just like me.

This is a whole person, just like me.
This is someone who has gifts and dreams and desires, just like me.
This individual is doing the best they can from their own level of consciousness, just like me.
This human is more than just the wounded part of himself that the world chooses to condemn, just like me.

Wonder plus humility equals compassion. The more often we think this way towards each other, the more we will be liberated from dark side of our most tribal tendencies.

We can still experience our cherished feelings of belonging, but without the gorillas banding together and ganging up on the one ape who’s bleeding. 

How are you contextualizing people you encounter in the larger ecosystem of humanity?

During new employee orientation at my old hotel job, all staff were trained on a standard called lateral service.

The hotel cross trained all teams to support each other by pitching in on various tasks that were outside of our responsibility, regardless of job description.

Doing so not only promoted a culture of teamwork, but also eliminated the usage of the phrase, it’s not my job.

William, the veteran valet parker who trained me, walked me through the entire property on my first day. Any time he walked past a piece of trash, he would pick it up and stuff it in his pocket. Any time he noticed an empty glass or dirty dish, he would grab it and walk it back to the kitchen.

That’s lateral service. The guy didn’t complain about it, didn’t search for the culprit, didn’t post a passive aggressive note on the back of the house whiteboard, he just removed the item and carried on with his work.

Keep in mind, this was a luxury hotel. It was the hospitality industry, where you could literally get fired for not cleaning up after other people or yourself.

Sadly, when you work in a modern office environment, lateral service isn’t exactly common practice. Employees are guaranteed to leave empty cups and dirty dishes and open bottles of hot sauce all around the office, no matter how many times management reminds them to pick up after themselves.

It’s as sure as the sunrise. We are a society of spoiled, irresponsible children, primed for immediate gratification, and if we don’t have to be patient, then we won’t.

However, instead of posting written policies, customizing cleanliness incentives, installing more security cameras or photo shaming people on the office chat platform, just pick up the trash, throw it away and carry on with your work.

If somebody leaves out an empty bottle of beer from last night’s happy hour, just throw the damn thing in the recycle bin and get back to work.

It takes so little energy, saves so much stress and makes you feel so good about yourself.

The funny thing is, in this world where we have all become so narcissistic and trapped inside our own precious little bubbles, any little act of generosity will probably be seen as remarkable.

Dare to care and bother to bother. Practice lateral service by pitching in on tasks outside of your responsibility.

Nobody will applaud you for having basic manners, but at least you’ll be part of the solution, not the problem. 

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How many other employees are modeling your service philosophy?

First you write the book, then the book writes you.

This universal law can bring us peace along our creative journey.

Because although end user of whatever it is we’re working probably won’t appreciate or reward or even notice our diligence, we certainly will. That soothing sense of fulfillment we gain from the experience is something that nobody can take away from us.

It’s like when a comedian, who is secure enough in their talent and material, takes the risk to make a joke that doesn’t get a laugh. They look out at the audience and say, alright, well, that one was for me.

This is the level of okayness with self that all of us can aspire to. We trust that if our tree in the forest falls and nobody is around to hear it, then it still makes a sound, even if only in our own hearts.

Besides, we’re not going to kill ourselves over the possibility of unperceived existence. We perceive it, and if that’s the best we can do, then so be it.

Can you imagine if that was enough for us? What if we all could validate ourselves instead of seeking it in arbitrary things? What if we were no longer making things, but making ourselves?

Leaving the entrepreneur life and becoming a corporate employee gave me no choice but to embrace this concept. Because working the agency and startup worlds, more than half of the projects assigned to me never even made it across the finish line.

They were sunsetted, as the buzzword says. We’d spend months slaving away over this once great idea, only to have the unsophisticated client or the impatient company executive have a sudden change of heart and kill the idea on a moment’s notice.

When that happens, you better believe in the power of workmanship. Otherwise you will beat yourself up for wasting your time trying to peddle somebody else’s dream machine.

Nobody is going to notice our workmanship anyway, so we may as well say, alright, well, that one was for me.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Are you obsessing over the aftermath of your work because of your primal need for validation?

My actor friend approaches auditions in an incredibly healthy and sane way.

Here’s his process.

Prepare well, show up fully, assume you’re not going to get the part, and the moment you walk out the door, never think about it again.

This reveals a posture of wholeness that difficult for many performers to find. But after a dozen years in showbusiness, my friend knows that if he’s looking to gain anything from the audition, other than another experience to do his craft, then it’s a setup from the start.

He’s at a place where his esteem for himself doesn’t need to be constantly refurbished with tangible results of the work. The experience is enough for him. The opportunity to use his unique gift to make someone feel something is all that matters.

Auditions are simply a part of the job, and so, he’s going to find meaning in that process no matter what, and once it’s over, he gets on with his life.

Whitman once gave advice on this issue:

You exist as you are, that is enough. Do not trouble your spirit to vindicate itself or be understood. If no other in the world be aware, sit content, and if each and all be aware, sit content.

Will you join us in this quest for a more sane way of living?

It’s available to all of us. That expansive sense of liberation from the bondage of our effort to control other people’s perceptions of us and the work we produce, it’s waiting.

But at some point, we have to quiet our yearning for approval so we can listen to our own gifts and find out what they need from us. It is not for the faint of heart. The inevitable struggle between what we intend and what life provides, it can be soul crushing.

We can easily waste our time and energy obsessing over what we didn’t get, who’s to blame and who’s not giving us love, or like my actor friend from before, show up fully, empty ourselves of expectations, enjoy the experience and the moment it’s over, move onto the next one.

That’s what happens when you’re the proud owner of your own wholeness.

Carrying it with you wherever you go, you will exist as you are, and that will be enough.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Are you troubling your spirit to vindicate itself or be understood?

In the fifteenth century, most of the world believed that the sun revolved around the earth.

But then the unspeakable happened. Copernicus, the legendary mathematician and astrology, stumbled upon the realization that our planet wasn’t the center of the universe.

Shortly before his death, the publication of his model became a major event in the history of the scientific revolution.

Not surprisingly, it also royally pissed off the church. The idea of heliocentrism, where the sun suddenly became the main character in the story, went directly against the teachings of the church, as there were certain passages in the bible that referenced the earth being immoveable.

Psalms said that god hast fixed the earth immovable and firm. Chronicles said to fear before him, all the earth, the world also shall be stable, that it be not moved.

It’s no wonder that followers of this heretical scientific model were instructed to renounce their beliefs and stop teaching them, or end up in jail.

If we admit we might be wrong about this one thing, then what else might we be wrong about?

Could it be, everything? 

The entire scientific and cultural event is a parable for humility. Because similar to the astrologers, there comes a time in each of our journeys that we stumble upon the realization that we aren’t the center of the universe. That we’re not as special as we thought we were, and that there are other bodies floating around this cosmic campsite, all of which have their own gravitational pull exerting their force upon us.

It’s one of the reasons the word deserve has officially been deleted from my vocabulary. Because that word assumes justice revolves around me. It assumes the position that my wounds should be rewarded.

But that’s all just the ego trying to protect itself. In the same way that the church howled in protest at people’s attempts to think for themselves rather than misplacing their faith in some invisible sky daddy, the ego wants to preserve control.

It’s allergic to humility. Modesty is bad for business.

That’s why recovery programs often tell the same joke in their support groups:

How many addicts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. They grab the light and then the world revolves around them.

And the great irony is, the sooner we realize that we live in a world with other people, the deeper we feel the presence of the divine spark between us.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Once you dissuade yourself of the delusion that you’re the center of the universe, what kinds of fulfillment might be waiting for you?

We assume that something has to be hard for it to work.

No wonder there is no shortage of bumper stickers, business books and novelty shirts with slogans that reinforce this fallacy.

If it’s easy, then it’s not worth doing.
If it isn’t hard, then it doesn’t count.
If you’re not struggling, then you’re doing it wrong.
f it’s not painful, then you’re not trying hard enough.

Protestant work ethic, you old sweet talker, you. Where would capitalism be without it?

Robinson wrote an entire book about this very attitude. He explained how the idea of hard work in our country is one in the same time, a religious virtue, a form of patriotism, the best way to win friends and influence people, and the way to be healthy, wealthy and wise.

As someone who used to bow at the altar of hard work, let me tell you, it’s mostly just exhausting. In every sense of the word.

But what life has been showing me lately is, just because hard work has become the god to whom we pray, doesn’t mean our solution to every problem should be trying harder or working more.

Naturally, many things are going to be difficult in this life, as they should be. But let’s not become bound and determined to make everything we do as hard on ourselves as possible, just because hundreds of years of puritanical genetics have made us experience shame any time we take it easy.

Something our mystical friends in the far east figured out long ago is, there is an art to the economy of effort. And once we figure that out, it’s astounding just how light life can feel.

My first job in the corporate world involved long hours, late nights, intense stress and embarrassingly low pay. It was hard, and nobody there gave two shits about my contribution.

Fast forward to many years later, and my current job involves regular hours, balance outside of the office, and generous pay. It’s not an easy job by any means, but the delta between effort and output is dramatically different than before.

Not to mention, my contribution is actually valued.

Proving to me that not everything has to be hard for it to work. When something flows easily, we can trust it.

There’s no catch. The other shoe isn’t going to fall. We simply give thanks and enjoy it.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Where might you be making things harder than they need to be?

Rage has become the new currency.

Our culture has elevated it to the status of virtue. The more we express and sustain our outrage, the faster we pat ourselves on the back for being offended, and the louder we lament what the rest of the world is getting away with, the more status we gain.

It makes total sense. Why would anyone waste their time being an example of joy in motion when society literally rewards people for releasing a rage that shakes the skies?

If you can’t get no satisfaction, you’re in luck, because there’s no money in contentment.

Carson, the author, poet, professor and classicist, makes an important point about our culture’s angry emotional state her popular book of plays:

Why does tragedy exist? Because you are full of rage. And why are you full of rage? Because you are full of grief. Our rage explodes from us, but the explosion is nearly always about something else, it’s displaced grief.

Her explanation may not solve the problem of rage, but it does give us empathy for whenever it surfaces. It invites us to look below the rock of rage to locate the soil of loss. Whether we are the ones raging, or the screams are coming from someone else, we can train ourselves to step back from the fight and wonder for a moment.

What is this person afraid is going away?
What boundaries of this person might have been trespassed upon?
What recent loss might have triggered this person’s pool of grief?
What does this person feel helpless to control?
What aspect of their identity is changing and therefore dying?
What privilege might this individual have that is fending unfairly and without warning?

That’s the thing we have to remember about rage. It’s not a primary emotion. It may feel like one, but odds are, it’s pointing to something deeper and darker.

And this is not and indictment on the experience of rage itself. My belief is that there are no bad thoughts or feelings, only healthy and unhealthy ways of expressing them.

But since outrage culture has become an emotional obsession of our brains, a permanent fixture of our society and a cottage industry of our economy, then we may as well take the time to understand its roots and deepen our empathy for the part of ourselves that needs to scream about what is happening.

It’s not a bad first step. 

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Instead of congratulating each other on how upset we are, what we offered condolences for the things we are losing?

Carlin, in one of his final interviews before his death, tells the rebellious origin story about getting great marks in high school, but because the nuns weren’t teaching what he liked, he didn’t care.

That realization freed him to drop out in ninth grade and pursue his artistic dream of becoming one of the greatest artists of all time. George said:

It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit, it can help you a lot.

That advice has always inspired me. The rebel spirit inside my heart chomped at the bit when confronted with the idea to not care.

But one element of my personality that has changed over the years is the language with which this principle is expressed. Because constantly reminding ourselves and others that we don’t care about certain things can often read as cynical, apathetic, petulant and immature.

There’s also denial and overcompensation somewhere in there. In fact, sometimes hearing those words come out of my mouth, don’t care, as soothing as it feels to my individualist heart, can also make me feel like the more naïve and less evolved version of myself.

Particularly for a deeply earnest person like myself who really does care. My practice as of late has been framing the zero shits given attitude into something more elevated.

Framing it as surrender, letting go, discernment and economy of effort.

It just feels so much kinder and gentler, while still accomplishing the overall goal of not caring, which is to experience a greater sense of lightness and freedom in my choices.

Here are example phrasings you might try. Notice if they feel any different than simply uttering that you don’t care about something.

Instead of saying that you don’t care about the reviews, say that you form your own opinions based on personal experience.

Instead of announcing that you don’t care what people think about our work, say that you have let go of constantly seeking external approval.

Instead of proclaiming that you don’t care what happens, say that you have dropped your expectations.

Instead of telling people that you don’t care about people’s feedback, say that you trust your own capabilities.

Can you feel the difference?

Altman put it perfectly in his book about mindfulness:

Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care, it’s just that you are no longer invested in building a brick wall to keep things from changing.

Think of it as selective indifference. You’re not being too cool to care, you’re being discerning enough not to dwell. 

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Which of your cherished attitudes are you trying to preserve?

Enneagram fours are known as the individualists, artists and romantics.

Since we connect to the world through being different, we have a keen ability to identify what is missing in that world. Our core compulsion is longing for reality to be different than it is.

Like a knight on a quest, we search until we find that thing, and if we can’t, then we’ll just make the damn thing ourselves.

Specialists in this personality assessment claim that this type is driven by the fear of missing out. Fours will say out loud what’s missing because we’re trying to fill a hole inside ourselves. Idealizing what we want as perfect and perpetually distant, we are constantly envying what other people have.

My response to this portrayal is twofold.

First, guilty as charged. It basically sounds like the first thirty years of my life. Just find that one thing that’s missing in your life and then you will finally be whole.

But the second thing is, my disposition doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Just because something identifies me, doesn’t mean it defines me.

Gaga sang you’re beautiful in your way, baby you were born this way.

But then again, people can change, or at the very least, channel, who they are into more productive avenues.

Maisel’s enlightening book on why smart people hurt breaks down our personality into three major categories:

We are born with an original personality, we grow into our formed personality through the experience of living, and retain our available personality, which is the amount of awareness that allows us to make changes, set a meaning making agenda, and not be a slave to our upbringing.

This distinction was revelatory for me. Because it showed me that my spiritual disposition of identifying what’s missing in the world doesn’t have to come from a place of lack or unworthiness. With an awareness of my own changes, and through the work of becoming whole and becoming enough in my own eyes, the romantic inside of me can say out loud what’s missing in a productive way.

Not because the missing piece will complete me, rather, because it can inspire the world with a glimmer of what might be possible. It can highlight areas for meaningful improvement.

It’s one of the reasons friends and colleagues often ask me for feedback on their writing projects. Not because I’m the greatest editor in the world, but because I’m open to the complete possibility of what could be, and can often help them identify what’s missing from their work.

It’s just my natural filter for reviewing things. Here’s what I liked, and here’s what I’d like to see more of.

When channeled properly, my core compulsion can become an act of love.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How are the different parts of your personality integrated and adopted to what the world needs?