5 Practices to Help People Have a More Positive Experience of You

PICTURE THIS: Somebody just finishes interacting with you. Phone, email, in person, Twitter, whatever. And this person could be a customer, coworker, colleague, manager or employee.

Five minutes later, she walks into the bathroom with her best friend. And she starts telling her friend all about how she experienced you, AND how she experienced herself when she was with you. From five minutes ago.

Now, here’s the twist: During this conversation, the only other person in the bathroom is YOU. Silently crouching on the toilet, eavesdropping on these two people talking about … YOU.

And so, the two questions I want you to honestly ask yourself are:

1. What would they say about you?
2. How surprised would you be?

If you want the answer to the first question to be positive; and the answer to the second question to be “not very,” consider these five practices for helping people have a more positive experience of you.

1. Assure you don’t leave people feeling unheard. Towards the end of your interaction, it might be helpful to ask summary or clarification questions like:

o Is there anything else?
o What questions have I not answered yet?
o What questions did I not ask that you were hoping I’d ask?
o What questions did I not ask that I probably should’ve asked?

REMEMBER: Let people know that if they think of another question in the next day or two, they can reach out to you. Even a follow up email a day or two later wouldn’t be a bad idea. As long as the impression is that you’re curious for clarity and not an overwhelming micromanager.

2. Create the space people need to exert their distinctiveness. “Relate to people as unique individuals,” says Bob Lefton in Leadership Through People Skills. “Get to know each person for who he is, then interact on that basis.” Consider the following Permission Questions as a test of how well you execute this principle:

o Are you granting others space to BE?
o What questions are people afraid to ask you?
o Are you giving people permission to talk to you?
o What feelings are you not allowing people to have?
o What feelings are you not giving people space to feel?
o How are you resisting or suppressing the creativity of others?
o Are you giving people permission to feel playful around you?
o Are you giving people permission to make their own choices?
o What does the group have permission to discuss and make decisions about?
o When was the last time someone told you something they hadn’t told anyone else?

REMEMBER: Find a safe space to understand people’s unique reality; then give them permission to reveal it to you. And that might be as simple as pausing; then listening for greatness to show up in each person.

3. Paint a picture of what happens when people are marinated in your world. This can be accomplished by: Considering the communication climate you create around you. Noticing how you come off. Understanding what people get when they get you. Discovering how most people feel when they’re around you. And, by deciding how you want people to describe the experience of interacting with you.

Here are a few self-assessment questions to assist you in this discovery process:

o What do people hear when they listen to what you do?
o Is communicating with you a relaxing or stressful experience?
o When interacting with you, what is this person’s immediate physical experience?
o When you meet people, is your first thought about what they think of you or how you can make them more comfortable?

REMEMBER: Watch people’s physiology. Step outside yourself and honestly observe the way they’re reacting to you. And listen to the exact words people use when they introduce or describe you to other someone new.

4. Recognize, embrace and respond to the value others place on you. That the constant challenge (and my personal biggest screw-up) of proactive approachability: Understanding what “time with you” is (really) worth to other people. Because if you don’t recognize this currency, you may never think to offer yourself as much, or at all, to those who need you.

Then, others might think, “I hate to take up his time when so many people want time with him.” Don’t assume that if people want to be with you they’ll just say so. People will seldom take the first step and ask for your time, especially if you’re in a high visibility leadership position. And as a result, you’ll miss out on encounters with some VERY cool people.

REMEMBER: People are waiting for YOU to initiate the next meeting. So, be proactive. Offer yourself more consciously, actively and directly to them. If you can practice this strategy, people will appreciate your recognition of the perceived value they place on you.

5. Remain open to positive AND negative feedback about yourself. Jerry Seinfeld said it best, “There are only two types of feedback: ‘That’s great!” or “That sucks!’ Either way, when someone takes the time to offer you REAL feedback or constructive criticism, try this.

Even if you disagree with it, even if you don’t value it, THANK them for it. Without this expression of gratitude, you run the risk of shutting down the flow of valuable information that (could have) helped you become more effective in your role.

And often times, it’s just a matter of asking. Try these Phrases That Payses:

o What can I do to become a better…?
o How do you perceive my expectations of you?
o Can you tell me more about what you’re feeling?
o Will you give me some feedback about what I just said?
o Can you tell me specifically what I did that made you think to that?
o Will you tell me more about what you didn’t like about what I said/did?
o Can you tell me about a time when it happened so I can better understand?
o How might I recognize when you have something difficult to express to me?

Also, here’s an approach I’ve used for years to demonstrate openness to feedback about myself: “Would you be willing to share with me a list of specific points about (x)? And I request this not in a ‘tell me why I’m so great’ way, but rather, ‘tell me what worked so I can replicate it in the future.’” Works every time!

REMEMBER: Find out where the rock created the ripple and either: 1) Throw more rocks, or 2) Stop throwing rocks all together. After all, finding out where you suck is the only way you will improve.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How do people experience you?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “33 Daily Practices for Boosting Your Managerial Magnetism,” send an email to me, and you win the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Never the same speech twice.
Always about approachability.

Watch The Nametag Guy in action here!

How do people experience you?

Think about the first time you heard your own voice on tape.
Odds are, your initial reaction was, “Is THAT what I sound like?”

Now think about the first time you watched yourself on video.
Odds are, your initial reaction was, “Is THAT what I look like?”

Don’t worry. That’s a pretty normal response.

Most of us – when given an honest, accurate reflection of the way we present ourselves to the others – are startled by our own lack of self-awareness.

We can’t believe that’s actually us. And not just on audio and video. For example, think about some of these other silent dialogues:

o “Did I really say that?”
o “Is that really the way I came off?”
o “I didn’t realize I was making you feel that way.”
o “I had no idea that’s what people thought of me…”

Ever said one of those to yourself before?

I know I have. Probably once this week already. And I’d be willing to bet that most people have too…

These kinds of perceptions exist in your “Blind Spot.” Cognitive psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham defined this term in 1955 as, “Aspects of ourselves that others see, but we are not aware of.”

And so, the challenge becomes making a concerted effort to unalienate yourself from your truth.

Because too many of us – and even I’m guilty of this on occasion – demonstrate a complete and utter unwillingness to understand (1) How other people experience us, and (2) How other people experience themselves in relation to us.

And the danger of this pattern of behavior is that it prevents people from asking questions of, listening to, learning from and getting to know you.

Not good.

So, maybe it’s time to run honest self-appraisal.

Maybe it’s time to get bitten by the bug of self-awareness.

Or, as Dilbert cartoonist Scott Adams reminds us, “Awareness means recognizing your illusions for what they are.”`

HERE’S THE REALITY: The only judgment people can make – the only impression their unconscious mind can form – is how interacting with you makes them FEEL.

And ultimately, it doesn’t matter what YOU think, it matters what THEY remember.

So, I’m challenging you to (honestly) ask yourself four questions:

1. How do people experience you?
2. How do (you want) people to experience you?
3. How do people experience themselves when they’re with you?
4. How do (you want) people to experience themselves when they’re with you?

Take some time this week to physically write out your answers to those questions.

Reflect on whether your inner experience matches how others experience you.

This will serve as the perfect starting point in the development of your new-found self-awareness.

Then, once you’ve taken enough self-stock, the next step will be actually OPENING yourself to the reality of how your behavior affects the people around you.

That’s the cool part of starting down the rewarding path of self-awareness. Once you know your patterns – once you know how others experience you – you’ll start to see the following positive changes in your world:

o You gain the power to grow.
o You represent yourself better to others.
o You become safer for others to be around.
o You become someone others could tell anything.
o You become perceived as listenable and askable.
o You make a stronger emotional impact on others.
o You encourage a more positive perception of yourself.
o You deepen your ability to consider and weigh alternatives.
o You give others the knowledge they need to love you more.
o You meet WITH, speak TO and touch people where they are.
o You hold yourself accountable for your contributions to your encounters.
o You find out where you suck, that way you can close the perception gaps between you and those you serve

Sound good?

Cool. Good luck.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How do people experience you?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “37 Personal Leadership Questions Guaranteed to Shake Your Soul,” send an email to me, and you win the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Never the same speech twice.
Always about approachability.

Watch The Nametag Guy in action here!

How to Avoid Bombing Your Next 360 Evaluation

1. Demonstrate an awareness of how your behavior affects others. Without knowing how others experience you, you’ll never get any better.

Too many leaders are guilty of a complete and utter unwillingness to understand how other people experience them. Partly because of their ego. Partly because they’re scared the feedback might be negative. And partly because they’re scared that the feedback will require them to (GASP!) change.

This, I can certainly relate to. As a speaker, I’ve had video footage that I couldn’t bring myself to watch until YEARS later. Namely, because I was terrified of discovering how stupid I looked, how many people in the audience were sleeping and how few people in the audience were laughing.

Interestingly, once I finally mustered the courage to watch myself on tape, my performance didn’t turn out that to be that bad. In fact, I only spotted ONE person in the whole crowd who was sleeping. And I’m pretty sure that guy was drunk. So, I’m challenging you get over yourself by opening yourself to the reality of how your behavior affects the people around you. How often do you spy on yourself?

2. Make a concerted effort to understand how other people experience you. Sometimes you’re too close to yourself to see the parts of yourself that drives other people crazy.

People can learn what you know just by observing your life. So, maybe it’s time you get bitten by the bug of self-awareness. Maybe it’s time you run an honest self-appraisal. Take some time to ask yourself the following three questions:

*How do people describe their experience with you?
*How (do you want people to) describe their experience with you?
*And what specific steps can you take to make the answers to those two questions more similar?

You will (probably) be startled by your own lack of awareness. After all, the only judgment people can make – the only impression their unconscious mind can form – is a function of how interacting with you made them FEEL. And ultimately, it doesn’t matter what YOU think; it matters what THEY remember. Are you approachable, but not remembered as being approachable?

3. Convey a thorough understanding of yourself. You can’t coach others if haven’t conquered the person in the mirror first.

Create a governing document for daily your decision-making. I guarantee this exercise will change your life. Here’s how you do it…

Start by making a list of every single choice you made yesterday: What you ate, when you interrupted, how you listened to people, which tasks your invested your time in, EVERYTHING. From the moment you woke up to the moment you went to bed.

Then, for each choice, go back and think HOW you made that choice: What questions did you ask yourself? What thought processes did you take yourself through? Write those notes down.

Finally, once you’ve uncovered the WHAT and the HOW, ask yourself WHY: What values were those choices rooted in? What commonalities did all your choices have? And what words governed the questions you asked yourself when you made those choices?

Then, if you really want to blow people away, keep a copy of this document in your wallet or on your wall. Reference it on demand. Title it “How I Make Decisions” or “My Opportunity Filter.” Not only will it keep you accountable and consistent, but it will also inspire all who see it to run a similar self-assessment of their own decision-making. When was the last time you made an appointment with yourself?

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How will you avoid bombing your next 360 evaluation?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “33 Daily Practices for Boosting Your Managerial Magnetism,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Never the same speech twice.
Always about approachability.

Watch The Nametag Guy in action here!

Scott’s Ginsberg’s Official Guide to Being More Consistent

You know my mantra:

“Consistency is far better than rare moments of greatness.”

The challenge is actually executing that virtue.

Here’s how:

1. ACT in harmony with the way you see yourself. That’s the big assignment. And it’s not an easy one to take one.

2. ALIGN your responses with your values. That way you won’t have to try to remember what you said.

3. ASK what would be so typical of you to do in this situation. Then do that. Establish enough predictability that you can prove people’s expectations every time.

4. ASSURE the first words out of your mouth are consistent with your brand. So much so that when you answer the phone, people nod and smile at your seamlessness.

5. BE The You you’ve always wanted to become. After all, living falsehoods is exhausting. And with the exception of Danny Ganz, Dana Carvey and Frank Caliendo, impressionists rarely make it big.

6. BEHAVE (right now) consistent with the attitude you strive to maintain. Otherwise people will not listen to your words because they’ll be too busy examining the character deficiency within your actions.

7. CHOOSE what few things you will consistently make part of your life, regardless of the circumstances. These become your non-negotiables. Your must-haves, must-do’s and must-be’s.

8. DECIDE if this choice will bring you closer to the highest version of yourself. If it won’t, consider making a different one. Life’s too short.

9. DETERMINE what values & aspirations you want your behaviors to be aligned with. Then keep them typed out on a little laminated card in your wallet.

10. DO what a cool company would do in this situation. Because cool companies get noticed, get remembered and GET business. And that’s good for business.

11. DO what consistency would do in this situation. Because consistency is far better than rare moments of greatness. Not to mention, it’s a hell of a lot easier.

12. DO what the person you are trying to become would do. This brings you one step closer. One chisel smack away from revealing the sculpture inside the stone.

13. DO what YOU would do in this situation. Wear a bracelet that reads, “WWID?” That should start some interesting conversations.

14. DO whatever you have to do to make this agree with your vision. And after a while, if you still can’t match the two up, bag it.

15. GIVE to this situation that which only you alone can offer. Preferably, that which you were designed to cure. That which you are known for knowing. That which you can’t help but doing and being.

16. GO out of your way to ME-ize this moment. Stamp it with the emblem of YOU.

17. IMAGINE what it would mean and look like to be true to your values here. That will most likely impel you into action.

18. KEEP on the path that aligns your actions to your values. It has the best view, the fewest potholes and the least amount of litter.

19. LET the best YOU come across in this situation. Any other version is robbing other people of experiencing your awesomeness.

20. LISTEN to who you are before responding. That split second pause might actually improve your answer.

21. MAKE choices that add wood to your internal fire. Then watch that baby burn, burn burn.

22. MOVE in a way that honors your soul. Because that will actually honor OTHER people’s souls too.

23. PLACE structure around yourself to make sure you remember what to do consistently. Sticky notes work. Mantras written on the wall work. Silicone bracelets work.

24. PONDER what the earlier version of yourself would have done in this situation. Then decide if the current version of yourself knows a better way.

25. PRACTICE bringing a little more of yourself to every situation. Not too much. Just enough that you walk away thinking, “I really felt like MYSELF back there.”

26. PREACH the message that is the dominant reality of your life. Otherwise people will not listen to you because of the non-stop noise of your character deficiency.

27. REMEMBER that flawless execution doesn’t exist. Make mistakes, make them early and make them quick. Write them down and what you learned. Then keep moving.

28. SPEAK from a place of personal truth. It makes you more listenable.

29. STAMP everything with you do with your brand, or else don’t bother doing it. After all, what happens when everybody loves it, but doesn’t know who made it?

30. STAY in alignment with the best working model of your identity. Which means you should probably create that model first.

31. STRIVE to behave in a manner that is consistent with your self-concept. It’s hard to do but it will serve you well.

32. USE this experience to continuing becoming the highest version of yourself. Because that’s the only version people will benefit from.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How much money is being inconsistent costing you?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “33 Daily Practices for Boosting Your Managerial Magnetism,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Who’s quoting YOU?

Check out Scott’s Online Quotation Database for a bite-sized education on branding success!

www.stuffscottsaid.com.

What would happen if people didn’t have to “be careful what they say” around you?

My favorite scene in Meet The Fockers is when Ben Stiller gets stuck baby-sitting Little Jack.

Searching for anything to keep his infant nephew entertained, Focker resorts to singing a broken version of Mockingbird:

“And if that mockingbird don’t sing, Greg is gonna buy you a diamond ring … and if that diamond ring gets sold, Greg is gonna feel like a … big asshole.”

At which point Little Jack replies, “Ass … hooooole!”

“No!” Greg exclaims. “Oh, no, you don’t wanna say that word, cause that’s a bad word!”

“Ass … hooooole!”

But it was too late. Little Jack instantly added that word to his vocabulary. And if you know anything about the impressionability of children, you can guess what happened next.

Little Jack just kept saying it. Over and over. Like one of those annoying green parrots at the zoo.

“Ass … hooooole!”

And, to make matters worse, the rest of Greg’s family – which included Father-in-Law Robert DeNiro (yikes!) – was coming home soon. And thanks to Focker, that expletive seemed to be the ONLY word Little Jack knew.

“Ass … hooooole!”

So, why did this happen?

Easy. That’s what kids do. That’s how they learn. They imitate and repeat. You don’t have to be a parent to know that.

As so, one of the basic principles of Babysitting 101 is, “Be careful what you say around them.”

Hmm. Now there’s an interesting concept. Be careful what you say around them.

I wonder what would happen if we applied that same principle to the adult world?
I wonder what would happen if we stopped talking babies and start talking business?

See, there IS a direct correlation between this principle and YOUR reputation.

THINK ABOUT IT: Are you the kind of person who, when other people describe you, they have to add the warning, “You have to be careful what you say around him”?

I hope not. Because if this is the reputation you’ve earned – intentionally or incidentally – you might have a problem.

If this is the thought in people minds when they’re talking about, talking to, approaching or being approached by you – you might have a problem.

Because the REAL implication of the warning, “You have to be careful what you say around him”? suggests one (or a combination) of the following perceptions:

o You’re easily offended.
o You’re closed-minded & judgmental.
o You violate interpersonal trust by gossiping.
o You don’t give people permission to be fully truthful.
o You allow your emotions to get in the way of listening.
o You remember things and twist people’s words against them.

And as a result, three dangers occur:

DANGER #1: People will be on guard around you. Tense. Self-conscious. Afraid to offend you. Walking on eggshells. Hesitant to set off your emotions.

And the mental energy they expend on those fear-based thoughts (1) robs them of their ability to be true, (2) prevents them from offering full information and (3) scares them away from sharing what’s most important.

DANGER #2: Then, interactions will seem longer because people will feel uncomfortable. And interactions will end prematurely because people will just want to get the hell out of there.

Ultimately, this reputation that precedes you will contaminate the space. People won’t feel like it’s is a safe container in which they can share.

DANGER #3: This unapproachable behavior will also prevent the possibility of making communication a relaxing experience.

And the worst part is, your reputation as someone whom people have to “be careful what they say around” will stop future communication in its tracks.

“Ass … hooooole!”

To sidestep those dangers, let’s explore of five strategies for laying a foundation of approachability. When executed consistently, they will foster open, honest and complete communication with people you serve. What’s more, they’ll help dispel the myth that people always have to “be careful what they say around you.”

1. Establish safety early. If confidentiality is an issue, make sure you address that right away. Try Phrases That Payses, like, “This is completely off the record,” “This is between you, me and the stapler,” or “I want you to know that nobody else is going to know about this but us.”

This lets people know they can share honestly, openly and fully with you. No holding back. No fear of being ridiculed. Just a safe space. The earlier you establish this, the more comfortable people will become around you. How safe do people feel around you? How quickly do you create a question-friendly environment? And are you someone others can be dumb in front of?

2. Give people permission. To open up. To request help. To ask question. To offer feedback. To feel vulnerable. To share victories and mistakes. To volunteer information and concerns. To discuss workplaces problems before they snowball. To comfortable and confidently be their true self.

The secret is, whatever your people need permission to do; just make sure YOU execute that action first. My suggestion: Practice radical honesty. Reveal your vulnerability. Become a living brochure of your own awesomeness. The more you practice those, the more you grant people permission to reciprocate. What do your people need permission to do? What do your people need permission to BE? And how could you stick yourself out there FIRST to pave the way for future openness?

3. Share your thinking. If people never know what’s on your mind, your unpredictability will heighten their apprehension and lower your approachability. And the silent dialogue will become, “For all I know, could be a ticking time bomb this morning! Better not say anything deep or lengthy.”

As a result of this unapproachable pattern, your communication topics will always remain superficial with the people around you. Nobody will get to the heart of any important issues because they’re holding back, unsure about how you might react. How are you initiating movements toward people? What is causing you to be easily misunderstood? And what are you doing that prevents people from learning from you?

4. Become someone others could tell anything. Here’s a cool exercise: Get together with a close friend, colleague or superior. Have both people write down the name of ONE person in their lives in they feel they could tell anything.

Next, ask the following questions to yourselves: Why? What are the character attributes of those people? And what, specifically, have they done in the past to earn that position in our minds?

Then, write those attributes down on a sheet of paper. Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10 on how well you embody those attributes. Then, exchange papers and have your partner rate you on those same attributes without looking at your original score.

When you’re done, see how close the numbers get. You may be pleasantly surprised or unpleasantly shocked. Are you someone others could tell anything? Who confides in you? Whom do you confide in? And how would your business change if you were perceived as someone whom others could tell anything?

5. Grow thicker skin. If you’re the kind of person who takes offense to everything, here’s what will happen. People will start tiptoeing around you, trying their hardest not to get caught in your vortex of hypersensitivity. Then, they may purposely leave out important points just to avoid pushing your hot buttons. And all that’s going to do is leave you in the dark.

My suggestion: Practice accepting opposition to your viewpoints or decisions without considering it a personal attack. Divorce your ego. Detach. And learn to treat all ideas – even the ones that embarrass or contradict you – with deep democracy.

As Dr. Robert Sutton explains in The No Asshole Rule, “Adopt a frame that turns your attention to ways in which you are no better or worse than other people.”

Or, if that doesn’t help you grow thicker skin, you can always sing karaoke or participate in an open mic night. At what point during a conversation do you usually start tuning people out? How can you apply what you’re hearing, even if you’ve heard it before?

REMEMBER: Be not tolerant OF or satisfied WITH interpersonal distance.

I challenge you to make a concerted effort to understand how other people experience you.

I challenge you to become someone others could tell anything.

And I challenge you to become known as someone around whom other people don’t have to “be careful what they say.”

Otherwise, your new nickname might become: “Ass … hooooole!”

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What would happen to your organization if people didn’t have to watch their words around you?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “37 Personal Leadership Questions Guaranteed to Shake Your Soul,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Who’s quoting YOU?

Check out Scott’s Online Quotation Database for a bite-sized education on branding success!

www.stuffscottsaid.com.

Namaste Communication: 6 Ways to Honor the Spirit of People You Encounter

“I bow to you.”

That’s the literal translation of the Sanskrit word namaste.

And although it’s primarily used as a greeting or salutation in Indian, Buddhist and Asian cultures/faiths, there’s no reason you can’t embrace the spirit of namaste in your own daily life.

I first experienced this philosophy when I started taking Bikram Yoga. At the end of each class – right before our instructor walked out of the room and left us to our final meditation – she would conclude by saying namaste. Then, as a gesture of respect and gratitude, all of the students would repeat namaste in unison as she exited.

Well, almost all of the students. Personally, I was so exhausted, out of breath and out of fluids that I could barely keep my eyes open, much less articulate a three syllable word.

Eventually – somewhere around my tenth or so class – I finally came around.

That’s when I learned that the word namaste also translates to: “The spirit within me honors the spirit within you.”

And I thought, “Cool. What a beautiful concept. I wonder if there are other areas of life in which we could apply namaste…?”

That was about 18 months ago. Since then, I’ve been collecting a list of practices that transports this sacred philosophy into our daily interactions. (Especially the areas of communication where I need the most work!)

So, as you read each of these examples, I challenge you to ask yourself three questions:

(1) How do I feel when others do this for me?
(2) How well am I currently practicing this in my own life?
(3) What are some ways I could improve the way I practice this in my own life?

1. Embrace their pace. Listening is midwifing. It’s about helping the other person give birth to her own understanding. It’s about facilitating a natural process. Enabling and nurturing the speaker’s rhythm guiding him to make the best choices. Ultimately, the goal is to provide assistance, NOT authority. That way he can see, find, say, do, know, learn and discover by his own accord.

TRY THIS: Resist the need to take over. Respect the speaker’s speed of self-discovery. No pushing. No forcing. Gentle nudging. Embrace their pace. Suspend conversational control. Allow people to safely process their own thoughts and solutions. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

TRY THIS: Frame answers with alternatives. Instead of giving advice, pose questions so the other person can hear more deeply what his heart is saying. Ask, “What are your options?” This objective response doesn’t take over someone’s problems. It allows him to dig for the answer on his own.

Also, the use of the word “options” indicates multiple possibilities for solutions. What’s more, this response avoids telling someone what they, “should” do, while still offering a potential solution. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: How are you inviting discovery? How are you creating a space where people can see the solutions in themselves? And how would people’s perception of your leadership ability change if THEY were the ones who felt like they always discovered the solution?

2. Give people the time and space they need to fully express themselves. In Parker Palmer’s fantastic book about listening and leadership, A Hidden Wholeness, he talks about being hospitable to the soul.

“Make each soul feel safe enough to show up and speak its truth,” he explains. “Create a space that invites the soul to make itself known or you will scare it away and drive that which is original and wild into hiding.”

Wow. Imagine what would happen to your perception as a leader and listener if you practiced that.

TRY THIS: Resist your impulse to fix. Just be. Abandon the arrogance of believing you have the answer to the person’s problem. “It’s not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be honored,” Palmer suggests.

So, don’t try to save people – just be present to them. Stand with simple attentiveness. Your faith in them will bolster their own faith in themselves. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

TRY THIS: Approachability is just as much about what you don’t do. Examples: Don’t fix. Don’t invade. Don’t evade. Don’t advise. Don’t set straight. Don’t influence. Don’t pressure. Don’t answer. Don’t save. Don’t analyze. Don’t insert opinions and agendas. Don’t advance your self-image.

I know it’s a lot to keep track of, but if you fall victim to these egoic tendencies, you risk contaminating the listening space and scaring people’s truth away. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: Are you listening or waiting talk? Are you leading or superimposing your beliefs on others? And how do you plan to create the space people need to exert their distinctiveness?

3. Help people unravel deeper significance. The only way to accomplish this is to create a safe container in which the person can share. Remember: A person’s soul is shy. You don’t want to scare it away. Still, people need to feel essential. Not important. Not valued. Not special. ESSENTIAL.

TRY THIS: Let what people say have an impact on you AND them. For example, when someone makes a profound comment, asks a killer question or juxtaposes words in a beautifully unexpected way, PAUSE. This silent space allows deep, creative ideas to surface. Which gives someone the stage her words deserve. Which gives that person the opportunity to let their original idea truly resonate down to THEIR core.

Like my doctor says, “If you wait long enough, your patient will tell you the diagnosis.” Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

TRY THIS: After holding a person in a loving space where she is compelled to listen to herself, send reinforcements for her unraveling process. Here’s how: When you review your notes from the conversation, extract all of the keepers, nuggets and epiphanies that surfaced and email them to the other person.

In the subject line write, “13 Keepers from Our Conversation Yesterday.” Then write, “Karen, thanks for sharing your powerful insights yesterday. Really got me thinking! I wrote a few of them down for your reference…” Guarantee it will both unravel deeper significance and make her feel essential. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: How are you helping people help themselves? Have you accepted silence as a normal part of your conversations? And how are you following up with people to make sure they listen to themselves?

4. Open your receptors to the other person’s subtleties. Listening is about listening FOR things. Even if you don’t agree. Even if you don’t approve. That’s all part of namaste – the honoring. The accepting. The loving.

So, begin by listening for language patterns: Listen for what they say, listen for what they don’t say, listen for what they’re not telling you, listen for what the person is trying to communicate, listen for what thoughts they share first, listen for what thoughts they share last, listen for what is emphasized and listen for what is downplayed.

Also, listen for opportunities: Listen for what is pushing the person, listen for their ideas of how they want things to be, listen for how to remove resistance, listen for what the person would need, listen for others’ interests and listen for areas where people are afraid and hurt.

TRY THIS: Say what you see. Use Phrases That Payses like, “I had an observation,” “I noticed,” and “My intuition is telling me that…” The three secrets are: (1) Observe, don’t accuse; (2) insinuate, don’t impose; and (3) describe, don’t prescribe. Otherwise people won’t open up, become defensive and assume you’re trying to “fix” them. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

TRY THIS: Count behaviors. If you’re taking notes when working with someone, keep a discreet tally of certain tendencies, i.e., “The number of times he says the word ‘but’” or “The number of sentences he starts with the word ‘I can’t…’”

After a certain point, turn your paper 180 degrees and show them your tally. Explain what it stands for and then wait for a response. This objective, non-judgmental style of feedback is not only respectful, but doesn’t challenge someone’s character or attitude. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: What are you listening for? What are you listening with? And what do you plan to do with what you hear?

5. Understand, honor and respond to their unique experience of the world. My definition of empathy is, “The ability to look at the world through different value systems.” This means placing special or unique value in everything people share with you. This means not trying to change the situation, but rather, thinking new ways to experience it that would make a positive difference in how you feel.

TRY THIS: Change your relationship to your emotions. Don’t allow your defensiveness to block your receptivity to someone else’s truth. Especially when there’s a conflict of opinions. Instead, view disagreements as if they were celebrations of ideas. You will listen with a more open (and less defensive) posture.

TRY THIS: Be on the lookout for subtle, external cues about what people are really like. Keep your receptors open for indicators of their core, their truth: What they value, what makes issues important in their lives, what their vision and purpose is, what they treasure and what makes them come alive. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: Do your comments honor the other person’s unique feelings, thoughts and emotions? Have you lost track of this conversation because of the inner conversation you’re having with your ego? And what is preventing your ears from opening in this conversation?

6. The correct answer is whatever they learned.. So, honor whatever surfaces. Dance in the moment. Believe that perfection is unfolding right before your eyes. Then, help them embrace this perfection so you both can feel rightness and appropriateness in the encounter.

TRY THIS: Pick something ordinary that they said and brainstorm all the reasons you can of for its perfection. Then email that list to them the day after your conversation. They’ll never forget it. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

TRY THIS: Acknowledge their rising thoughts and feelings. During a conversation with someone, presence is the secret and anticipation is the enemy. Ask yourself one question: “What is the truth at this particular moment?” That will help keep you present. Namaste. The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

ASK THIS: What are you missing out on because of the need to be right? How are you saying yes to What Is? And how can you build an environment where wrong answers are impossible?

– – –

REMEMBER: You don’t need to be a Yogi to honor the spirit of those you serve.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
How are you practicing namaste?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “53 Not So Obvious Patterns Listeners Need to Listen For,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

Never the same speech twice.
Always about approachability.

Watch The Nametag Guy in action here!

How to Lead from the Heart, not the Handbook

The formula for authentic, approachable leadership is simple:

Heart Over Handbook, Soul Over Script.

That means you need to be CONSISTENT.
Because consistency is far better than rare moments of greatness.

That means you need to maintain INTEGRITY.
Because people are listening to the sound of your actions.

That means you need to articulate your BOUNDARIES.
Because if you don’t set healthy boundaries for yourself, people will set them for you.

That means you need to put a stake in the ground and OWN YOUR TRUTH.
Because if you don’t make a name for yourself, somebody will make one for you.

Now, if you’re the kind of person who says, “Yeah, but I’m not a leader…”

Think again.

We’re all leaders. Even if the only person we ever lead is ourselves. That still counts.

The challenge is doing so authentically. After all, being yourself is hard. As Emerson famously said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Here’s a list of ten practices for leading from the heart, not the handbook…

1. Be the “You” that you always wanted to become. Straight out of Jerry Maguire. That moment when Tom Cruise prints out hundreds of copies of his corporate manifesto called, “The Things We Think, But Do Not Say.” Sure, he got fired the next day. But at least he stopped living a lie. Man. If only more people had cojones like that. What is still lethal inside of you that wants to be transformed?

2. Behave in a manner that is consistent with your self-concept. Act in harmony with the way you see yourself. Live in a way that honors your soul. You’ll find it’s actually a LOT easier than the alternative. Some people fake it till they make it for so long that they never get around to making it. So for you, just start making it. TODAY. Faking is for losers. How could bring more of yourself to this situation?

3. Calculate the cost of NOT standing up for your boundaries here. Literally. Think about what, specifically, would happen to your body if you compromised your truth. Some people would feel a thud in their gut. Others a ping in their chest. Either way, your body never lies to you. Are you able to hold a courageous conversation to reinforce your boundaries?

4. Give people the tools they need to build the world you envision. Just ask yourself the ultimate Back to the Future Question, “If everybody did exactly what I said, what would the world look like?” Once you’ve written down a few answers, you can customize a framework for the ideal world you hope to build. Then all you have to do is stay within those parameters. What are you building?

5. Imagine what the earlier version of yourself would do in this situation. Of course, that implies you’ve grown. Evolved. Matured. Ripened. And that process ONLY comes from a never-ending desire to add value to yourself. Which means you should probably stop watching television. Come on. You already know who’s going to win American Idol anyway. My money’s on the cute guy with spikey hair and tight jeans. Do you have a remarkable devotion to personal progress?

6. Keep your actions in alignment with the best working model of your identity. Make a list called, “How I Make Decisions.” Write down all the questions you ask yourself throughout the day. Think of it as an Opportunity Filter. A governing document for daily decision-making. This is a fantastic exercise if you haven’t done it yet. A few faves from my list include, “Now that I have this, what else does this make possible?” and “Is this an opportunity, or an opportunity to be used?” If you were you, what would you do in this situation?

7. Leverage your frustration in this situation as motivation to grow into more of the person you’ve always wanted to be. “Breath through it.” That’s what my yoga instructor always says. That every posture – difficult and pretzel-like as it may seem – can always be practiced effectively if you just breathe through it. That’s the secret: Save the drama for yo’ mama and channel that frustration into something more productive. What mission were you mandated to fulfill?

8. Make choices that add wood – not water – to your internal fire. Life’s too short to surround yourself with people who don’t challenge and inspire you. Life’s too valuable to work a job that robs you of your true talent and purpose. And life’s too beautiful to spend watching other people pursue their passion while you sit in a cubicle waiting for your boss to go to lunch so you can go take a nap in your car. Does your calendar reflect your passion?

9. Make sure the message you’re currently preaching is the dominant reality of your life. That’s the difference between orthodoxy, which means, “correct thoughts,” and orthopraxy, which means, “correct actions.” It’s about preaching what you practice, not the other way around. Because people don’t give you credit for what they HEAR you SAY consistently. They only give you credit for what they SEE you DO consistently. What type of person do you have to become on the inside to become the person you want to become on the outside?

10. Release the behaviors that are preventing you from making progress towards becoming the best version of yourself. Example: Shrinking from the opportunity to share your eclectic interests with others. Example: Backing away from posting pictures of you. What are you currently doing that makes NO sense at all?

REMEMBER: Honor thy heart, not thy handbook. Surrender to thy soul, not thy script.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What is your definition of Authentic Leadership?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
For the list called, “37 Personal Leadership Questions Guaranteed to Shake Your Soul,” send an email to me, and I’ll send you the list for free!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur
[email protected]

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Tag: authentic leadership

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How to Lead from the Heart, not the Handbook