Insurgent, the second book in the bestselling dystopian trilogy, presents two schools of thought on the relationships.
Peter, who gets sick to his stomach at the idea of being indebted to another person, believes that people only do things for you for one of two reasons. If they want something in return, or if they feel like they owe you something.
Typical cynic. Chronically paranoid about who’s winning the relationship. It’s death by scorecard. Scarcity thinking. Running a race that isn’t being held, winning a trophy that doesn’t exist.
Tobias, on the other hand, reminds him that that those aren’t the only two reasons people do things for you. Sometimes they do them because they love you. That’s the healthiest, smartest and frankly, least labor intensive approach to human relationships. Throwing away our scorecards.
Treating love as an infinite field, where we’re not playing to win, we’re playing keep the game going. And in the process, we create growth for all parties involved, no matter what the score is.
I’ve found this approach to relationships to be surprisingly liberating. Because instead of trying to arrive at some static point of perfect balance with each other, which, frankly, is a perfectionist ideal that’s never found in actual life, we’re free to enter the mysterious complexity of the interpersonal dynamic.
We’re able to tear up our scorecards, accept the fact that nobody really wins at relationships, and generously extend acceptance, forgiveness and gratitude to each other without the pressure of counting.
Racking up points blocks the flow of love.
The moment somebody starts keeping score, the relationship starts to die.
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Are you poisoning your relationships by keeping track of who sacrifices more?
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That Guy with the Nametag
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