You Helped Me Become What I Am

“Keep all your
passions in play.”
I made a name for myself writing books. Ask most of the
people who know me, and that’s what they know me for. But music was always my
first love. My original healer. My earliest container for mystery and meaning. Since
the age of twelve, writing songs was how I metabolized my life. It was the
closest thing to god I ever had. The problem is, once I started writing books
for a living, I became so busy with the profession of writing that I lost
contact with the passion of writing. At the peak of my career, I was only
composing a few songs a year. Not exactly prolific. Eventually, I reached a
point where I had built up too large of a debt to my artist. And I knew if I didn’t find a way to reconnect to the joy that made me a musician in the
first place, I was going to regret it. Right around the same time, I went through a pretty messy breakup.
Which, as devastating as it was, conveniently inspired an entire album’s worth
of new songs. And it helped me realize what I was missing. And I vowed never to lose touch with something I loved so much ever again.



“You
helped me become what I am.” 
When
I could have stubbornly avoided change until I absolutely had to initiate it,
you surprised me out of my routines.  When
I could have rested in yesterday’s definition of myself, you encouraged me to
live larger than my labels. When I could have rested on the laurels of my perfectly ordered identity, you challenged me to become more than what I was known for. When
I could have held onto a version of my identity that was familiar and
comfortable, you ignited the parts of me that were not yet illuminated or
seen. And when
I could have let the third act drag on for an extra forty minutes, you helped me feel
complete about this part of my journey. Aquarius may be a fixed sign, but thanks to you, I’ve never felt more mutable. For entertainment purposes only, my ass.

“I was a man of jagged
risings, my life was alarmless.” 
Identity fascinates me. Who we are, how we work, why we do what we do, these are the
elements of the human operating system I find interesting. People’s engines and
values and passions and horizons. Personal branding, on the other hand, frustrates me. It’s too limited,
assuming we’re all supposed to be one thing in life. It’s too compartmentalized, shutting off the meaningful parts of our personalities that aren’t related to work. And it’s inadequate,
measuring only a fraction of our whole person. But the other danger is, people love to keep us in our lane. And if we stay there too long, our personal brand can become a false self we can no longer comfortably inhabit. So identity, not branding, is the better word to focus on. Identity is enough to hold everything we are. In fact, it comes from the Latinidentidem, which means “over
and over.” Because it’s all about the person we are, over and over. The person we were meant to be. Not the person we think will help our career the most.

“For me there is no vacation, if my eyes are open, I’m working.” Once upon a time, I read books just to read books. But when I became an author, reading turned into work. If a book was open, I wasn’t just reading the words, I was trying to figure out the architecture and opportunities around them, every second of my existence asking myself, can I do something with that? Kind of exhausting. Like learning how to play the drums and never being able to listen to music the same way again. But as a writer, I suppose that’s my life sentence. No pun intended. It’s just hard for my brain to resist snapping into work mode when confronted with beautiful language. And accept that about myself. Meanwhile, I started reading a lot more fiction. Books that transported me to another place where I didn’t have to work. I could just relax and let the words wash over me. And by doing so daily, it creates a space where I don’t feel obligated to do anything other than just soak it all in. Thanks for the inspiration, Greg.

Navigating Times Of Differently Paced Growth

“There is creation inside them, but they won’t set it free.” My guitar strings never used to break. I would play for
hours at a time, night after night, month after month, coating the bronze with
layers of dirt and blood and dust and sweat, and still, the strings rarely ever
snapped. And then last year, I started playing standing up. Mainly because I saw the
musical Once, I wanted to look cool
like Steve Kazee. So I got my ass out of the chair, bought a nice leather strap
and learned to put my whole body into the instrument. And everything changed. Standing
up allowed my voice to go where it was designed to go. Which inspired me to
write completely different types of songs. Which compelled me to publish my
music online. Which urged me to crawl out of musical hibernation and start
performing in public again. Which gave me a platform to play weekly concerts in my neighborhood park. Which forced me to strum harder and louder. Which inspired me write music that was more muscular and soulful. Which started the cycle all over again. Funny what happens when we change our sheer physicality.


“Navigating times of different paced growth.” Backstage work is highly underrated. Having spent the first decade of my career standing in the spotlight, it’s a refreshing change of pace to be working in the wings for once. There’s less pressure to perform and impress, more opportunities to support and encourage, and the experience of stepping back from center stage and lifting others up is gratifying in a way that a standing ovation isn’t. Plus I don’t sweat as much. But there’s really something special about the role of stagehand. It’s a meaningful way to belong to the world. Your work is that of emboldening people. Backing them up at all cost. Assisting their efforts in affirmative and useful ways. Who knew the crew could love the work as much as the talent?  



“Simple hospitality is worth its weight in gold.” In a world that seems to have forgotten how to be warm, forgotten how to build social capital one interaction at a time, taking twenty
seconds to extend a welcoming gesture of thoughtfulness has
never been more important. We all know what it’s like to be the new guy. We all battle with the tension between alienation and assimilation. So I’m not saying you have to be somebody’s best friend, but wouldn’t hurt to be theirfirstfriend. That’s all they’re looking for. An on ramp. Someone to help them get started on their journey of belonging. Look, the math is simple. Hospitality so rare, it’s become remarkable. And it costs nothing, but changes everything. That should be enough for us. That should be all the convincing we need. Human beings are a species whose prime feature is its social nature, which means we have a moral obligation to be welcoming to each other.

“The great discipline is simply knowing what season it
is.” 
I take my cues from
nature. There is no higher
power more honest, more reliable, more ubiquitous, and best of all, more
scientifically proven. It’s not supernatural, it’s just natural. Working under
the immutable laws of her eternal being. Einstein was right. Every
occurrence, including the affairs of human beings, is due to the laws of
nature. And that’s why I
believe in seasons. More than just the changing of the leaves and the melting
of the snow. The word “season” comes from the French saison, which
means, “the right moment, the appropriate time.” That starts to make a ton
of sense when I filter life’s events and trends and patterns through a biological
lens. Upon a little reflection, I quickly realize that whatever is happening in my world, it’s the sun’s fault. And nature never takes it personally.


Soul Is More Important Than Talent

“Creating an experience that consumers would go out of their way to experience again.” I like people who see people. In their presence, it’s like
every part of your self is mirrored. Honestly and beautifully. They hold a
clear picture of everything you are, honor and support whatever you’re becoming
and engage the whole person. Wow. It’s too bad we can’t bottle, sell and teach that art
form. The world would be a much warmer place if more of us understood the human need for visibility. The tricky part is, the experience of being seen
is such a visceral, intangible, human interaction, that we only really know it when we feel it. Or don’t feel it. Maybe that’s the trick. To remember those excruciating moments of overwhelming invisibility, when people went out of their way to make us feel null and void, and promise not to pay that forward. To really take people in. And to remember that a life without witnesses, isn’t. That without being seen, we’re the trees that fall in the forest.


Be
honest with yourself
 about what actually works for you.” My
favorite scene in the movie As Good As It
Gets
is when Simon tells Melvin he loves him. And with his trademark
sinister smile, Nicholson replies, “I tell you what buddy, I’d be the luckiest guy in the world if that did
it for me.” I
like a man who knows his motivations.
But sadly, not everyone takes the time to slow down and get in touch
with the deeper currents of themselves. Not everyone digs a good dig down to the
center. And this lack of reflection does a disservice to the people around us. From a teamwork
perspective, the greatest give we can give each other is an understanding of
how we operate. An intimate knowledge of the way we work. What are we like on a
bad day? What do we do when the waves of anxiety come crashing in? What’s our
victory dance when we win big? These are the questions we should answer for
ourselves, and for the people in our lives.



“Soul is more important than talent.” The only art lesson worth taking is learning how to hang your balls out there. That’s why the audience shows up. That’s why people pay the price of admission. To get their faces melted off. To watch someone walk on stage and eat the scenery alive. So my thought is, why waste time on precision and ability and accuracy when we could deliver honesty and soulfulness and grit? People usually forgive a few off key notes if they see your heart in your mouth. Henry Rollins proudly admits he has no talent whatsoever, but he does have enthusiasm, tenacity, desperation and a real desire to not let people down. Sounds like soul to me. And that guy has millions of dollars, millions of fans and one hell of an interesting life. Maybe instead of learning scales and mastering strokes, art students should learn how get up in front of people and crack themselves open.



“I am not going to
penalize you for growing up.” 
I’m all for retaining the sense of childlikeness, curiosity, wonder and whimsy. That’s what keeps us young and agile. That’s what keeps creativity flowing. On the other hand,, there’s something magical about moments that
make you feel mature. Arriving at college, getting your first apartment, making
your own money, packing up and move across the country, finally marrying the person you love, these are the milestones
that affirm your sense of adulthood and achievement and assurance. They make you feel more legitimate as a human being. I did it. I made it. Look how far I’ve come. And I don’t know if those experiences go away once you reach a certain age. But I’m enjoying them while I can. Growing up is cool.

Work That’s Paid Or Work That’s Interesting?

“Let the flood come and clean up the debris as it
smacks you in the head.” 
Sandy left us untouched. Our neighborhood had zero damage.
In fact, we almost felt guilty nothing happened to us. To the point where
we furiously donated canned goods, cleaned up the park and offered whatever
help we could. Poor city. What a tragedy.
Looking back, though, something did happen. Right before the storm, we had
hit a low point. Emotionally, financially, professionally, you name it. And we
thought all hope was lost. But then the storm came. And the storm went. And by the
time the water receded, both of us miraculously had new jobs, new attitudes, new friends and
an overwhelming sense that everything was going to be okay. As if the water had washed away that season of our
lives and completely renewed us. Don’t you just love nature’s agenda? Floods, after all, are devices that
start the world over again. They’re a sort of baptism for the planet. They reincarnate new life. Let the city crumble.

“Generosity does not have
to be financial to be memorable and important.” 
Gift giving is my love language. My theory is, if it takes less than fifteen minutes or cost
less than fifteen dollars, it’s worth it. There’s just something about that small,
thoughtful, creative, unexpected gift that lights people up, makes them feel seen and lives in
their memories forever. When my grandpa underwent shoulder surgery, I stopped by the
costume shop and bought him a severed arm to scare the nurses in the hospital. When we hired a new designer from Florida, I picked up a
bottle of fresh squeezed orange juice and left it on his desk. That’s how easy generosity is. Take a moment, make a memory. Just a few minutes, just a
few bucks.
The resulting gift is the single drop of epoxy that keeps our relationships glued over time. Inspired by The Prosperous Heart.

“Put a structure in place that tips the odds heavily in
your favor.” 
It’s all in the approach. That seems to be the answer to
most of life’s strategic questions. Whether it’s sales, physics, design, dating
or marketing, how is just as important as what. I remember when I went looking
for a job for the first time. Something told me I needed more than just a
resume, I needed a plan. A differentiator. A side road. Otherwise I’d tumble
down the employment rabbit hole of interviews and callbacks, forever imprisoned
by the tyranny of being picked. And then one day it hit me. Why bloody my
knuckles on a door that wasn’t going to open, when I could strategically jam a
wedge of generosity into the frame? Instead of waiting around to get called back for an
interview, I reversed the process. I found fifty companies I wanted to work for and started interviewing them. Then I posted the transcripts on my blog. Then I promoted the hell out of them. Then I stopped by their offices in person. Then I gave them a copy of my book as a thank you. And when the time came to ask for a job, all I had to do was go where the door was already open and walk right in. What’s a resume?

Choosing between work that’s paid and work that’s interesting.” I used to think meetings were the bane
of my existence. They’re boring, wasteful, pointless and soul sucking, I’d
complain. But then I had an epiphany. I realized just because you go to a
meeting, doesn’t mean you can’t create meaning. And since I do so by creating and
relating and working and contributing, I stopped whining and started writing. Now,
meetings have become opportunities to take copious notes of all the insights
people don’t realize they have, print out copies for everyone when our time is
up, physically deliver people’s words back to them and sit back and watch their
face change shape. That’s enough meaning to hold me over. That’s how
I reconcile sitting in a room for two hours. We do what we have to do to make
it okay for ourselves. Meaning is made, not found. 

  

Keep Your Eye On The Ball And Let Your Mind Go

“Passion is not something
you own, it’s something you pass forward.” 
As retail goes, so
goes the world. The everyday interactions we have with cashiers, waitresses,
taxi drivers, front desk attendants, customer service reps and sales associates
are perfect microcosms of our society, both good and bad. One day we walk into a store whose employees never let us
forget how it feels to be good people. They act as if it’s an honor to spend
time with their customers. And it restores our faith in humanity, adding
lightness to the rest of the morning. Money
well spent. 
The next day, we spend an hour on the phone with an agent
who treats us like an inconvenient interruption to their system of efficient operation. They act as if we’re interfering
with them trying to run a business. And it crushes our spirits, souring the
entire afternoon. Thanks for caring. That’s the power of retail. And employees need to understand that. Their job may be the simple sale of commodities in small quantities,
but that doesn’t mean their impact isn’t big. Retail the great mood changer, the barometer of humanity. Inspired by The Passion Conversation.

“Keep your eye on the ball
and let your mind go.” 
I’m a big believer in the power of positive addiction. Whether it’s exercise, meditation, creative expression or
writing letters to people you love, getting yourself hooked on healthy, meaningful
routines is always a wise investment. Years ago I read a fascinating book whose research proved that positive addiction creates extremely
optimal conditions for the brain to grow. And, unlike other addictions, it rarely gets you
arrested. In fact, just yesterday a newcomer at my yoga studio asked if practicing daily would have a negative psychological impact. I told her it was the
opposite. That after a while, it actually becomes easier to stick with the
practice than to skip class. And that’s the secret to positive addiction. Trumping habit, trumping discipline and getting to the point
where you feel worse when you don’t do something. Not a bad corner to paint yourself into.

“We don’t need a website to tell us who our friends are.” The word friend doesn’t mean the same thing it used to. When we were kids, a friend was a friend was a friend. It was the person you grew up with, played football with, ate chicken wings with, chased girls with, got wasted with, shared heartbreak with and had inside jokes with. Nowadays, we tend to throw around the word friend without as much meaning. We call a lot of people our friends, when in reality, some people are more like acquaintances or connections or friendlies. I’m reminded of the movie Stand By Me. In the final scene, the adult version of Gordy says: “Friends come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant. I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?” The point is, despite geography, despite life situation, despite success or failure, despite whatever type of future we may have together, there are certain people in our lives we can’t help but always be friends with. We are inextricably bound by the chains of our shared past. And we will always have the one thing nobody can take away from us: Our history. We don’t need a website to tell us who our friends are. 



“She still loves you but you still have to work on her liking you.”I like telling people that I like them. It’s one of life’s most satisfying, simple pleasures. That moment when I meet someone for the first time, get to talking, start peeling the onion, make a connection and decide that they’re wonderful, I never miss the opportunity to look them in the eye and say, I like you. Literally. Those exact words. Because every time I do it, people light up. They smile with their heart’s best face. Sometimes they don’t even know how to respond. And the cool part is, it’s not some technique to win friends and influence people. There’s just a certain honesty and innocence and nostalgia attached to those three words that’s impossible to resist. Besides, after the age of thirteen, nobody really says I like you anymore. Maybe it’s time we brought it back.

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